blogging from my phone

I would find a way to blog on the go too. Trying it out so well see what happens. Currently getting over this horrible 24 hour bug were I proceeded to puke my brains out and sleep basically all day. And other things I won't torture to tell you. Still moving out in December :) umm work is still same old. I felt horrible about calling out today. Not to mention I can't afford to not have the hours . Ugh well its 1 and I am sleepy. Goodnight <3

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Porn Star Dancing. :D

If things work out the way they want them to...

I will have a stable fer sure steady full time job with benefits.

(Which I basically already have, I just need to wake up on time :/)

((But I have an alarm clock now! So its all good. ^^))

I will move out and be free of this house.

I will have less stress in my life.

And anyone who doesn't support me, can get the fuck out of my life.

Because honestly, I don't need any negitivity.

At all.

I want to get on the right path of stress FREE.

I need it.

I'm scared I'm breaking out in hives. AGAIN.

From what you ask? Stress is my guess.

I just.

BREATHE.

The whole reason I want this tattoo.

Breathe ayla.

Me and said boyfriend are on a break.

I need it. I can't trust him, can't function.

Can barely breath when I think about what he could be doing.

And I can't do that to myself anymore.

Its not worth it. Nothing is worth that.

If I can't trust someone I'm that intimate with.

There is nothing. It can be called nothing.

Everything is based on trust.

Everything.

Without that, whats the point?

I'm not totally sure he understands this.

But I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for me.

And me alone.

Family has gone crazy hence the rush to get the FUCK out of here.

Can't deal with their shit anymore.

And... I lost interest in writing. Lol.

Listen to

Porn Star Dancing by My Darkest Days.

Its basically an orgasm in your ears.

:D

Pokemon.

Confused. Torn. Happy. Rage.

Too many emotions for one body.

I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm going to EXPLODE.

See?

This is me exploding. BOOOM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

The end.

Jk. Haha.

I honestly, don't even feel like writing everything I feel out.

Just all way too much.

So.

I'm going off to play Pokemon now.

^^ Yay Pokemon.

Anger = CRUSHED.... sorta

I really need to get my anger under control.

Its getting to the point that I can't handle it in public. Which is NOT a good thing.

Its just, I want to punch things.

And yes I do have a good reason today.

My phone was broken, I sent it in through Best Buy to get it fixed.

That was more then a month ago.

WTF. They told me it would take two weeks, mind you I expected it to take three.

But MORE THEN A MONTH?

Wtf.

And its not even like they were nice and helpful.

I always had to call or go in to find out what the hell was going on.

And they never had any answers.

Or seemed to want to figure this out for me.

Like, I WORK IN RETAIL BITCHES.

START DOING YOUR JOB!!

Ugh.

Stupid people.

And if its STILL not fixed.

I am going to a DIFFERENT best buy.

And getting a new phone.

D<

Stupid Best Buy.

Anyways. I'm currently, as I type this. Watching my geckos.

I just introduced the male into the female cage.

So far... nothing. He sort of spazed it seemed, but otherwise hasn't made any advances.

I'm scared that maybe she isn't ready. And he can smell that and wants nothing to do with her.

:(

My poor Venus might get rejected!!!

....

I'm putting way too many human emotions into this.

Lol. :D

Still nothing....

Lol I'm like worried.

What if something happens.

What if I don't see it.

I WANT TO SEE IT.

Lol, thats so gross.

Hehe.

None the less.

No moves have been made. We shall see what happens.

Later yall. <3

Grow a pair.

At this point in time. I could beat his face in without a blink of the eye.

Honestly, grow a pair. If your pissed at me, for doing something in my life.

That you don't control.

Tell me. Don't avoid me. Don't ignore me. Fucking tell me.

Like, this whole thing pisses me off to no end.

I get it. You don't like I'm dating him. Got it. But your just gonna stop being my friend?

I thought you were better then that. I thought we had more history to let something like this happen.

Like. I would expect you to give me endless amounts of shit for it. And to voice your dislike,

Loudly and Clearly.

This I expect.

However, what your doing. I do not.

Ugh whatever. Honestly, just whatever.

I'm happy. You should be too if you cared.

Hard week next week. A lot of early mornings. But, I CAN DO IT!

...

I hope.

Driving school too. ><;

Oh joy.

Other stuff that I don't feel like typing out and stuffs.

Ugh, going off to read before sleep.

Night

Full time

GOOD NEWS. FANTASTIC AMAZING NEWS!

Petsmart offered me Full Time.

WITH BENEFITS!

That means, I GET TO GO TO THE DOCTOR!

I am OVER COME with happiness.

I get steady income, and when I get sick.

I don't have to die.

AND, I get to even see the dentist.

I finally get to quit Ulta, and stop working two jobs.

Now, I just need a pay raise.

And then, MAYBE I'll be able to move out.

Because going over the math. I could maybe afford 200 a month.

So instead, I think I'll just save and stop stressing!

And, hopefully, crossing my fingers, I'll get to go to school soon too.

Like, for once, everything seems to be going my way.

And knock on wood, but I just feel like something is going to happen.

And everything that is good, isn't gonna seem so good anymore.

Thats what happens.... and I'm hoping to god it doesn't.

So I'm going to forget I said that. And THINK POSITIVE.

Only bad or negetive thing I have to say is I'm so tired.

Constantly tired. To the point, all I want to do is sleep. I'll nap during the day even if its only for an hour.

Every minute counts.

And its a sort of... deep sleep. Endless sleep that draws me in. And doesn't ever want to let me go.

AND, I've been getting a lot of migraines. Which I honestly think, is from too much caffeine. I need to stop honestly.

I just can't function.

UGH.

But yes. I am happy except for those couple of things and a couple more.

I need to sleep more.

MY CAT HAD KITTENS!

I forgot to mention.

I cat had kittens. 6 of them.

...

ANYONE WANT A KITTEN?!

Also, going to try breeding Venus.

She laid eggs and I talked to my manger Eric about it.

And we are trying it!

I hope everything goes well.

I love her a lot.

And I'm sure her babies will be BEAUTIFUL.

I just feel like a bad person because I keep forgetting her at work....

:/

Pretty tired, but I really want to go out.

I always go out Thursday night.

And I HAD plans, but.... well I was suppose to get a call an hour ago.

So I guess I gotta find new ones?

Oye... Maybe I should just go to sleep. :(

Anyways.

Going off to do... something.

<3

Migraine = Win

Anger.

That has become my new emotion of not choice.

Anger. Pure endless anger.

To the point I just want to beat someone.

Not shoot them.

BEAT them. I want to feel every swing I take as I beat their face in.

I guess I really shouldn't say that....

But would you rather I lied?

I want to cry.

Endless amounts of tears that leave me breathless.

To where I'd rather feel anything else then whats causing me to cry.

I feel, like I'm reaching a point where I'm going to snap.

I'm going to just loose it.

Maybe.

Or maybe I just need some sleep and for this earth slipping migraine to go away.

I wish I could read peoples minds.

And I wish he could read mine.

Then someone would understand. He would understand.

And I would understand everything. Every. Little. Thing.

No doubts, no worries.

I would just know.

But I don't live in a fairy tale as much as I try to hide myself in them.

I can't kill people.

I can't read peoples minds.

I can't really... do much of anything.

The only thing I can do I won't even dare try.

I just.... I wish I could explain.

To put all of your hatred, that energy you build when your angry and SHOVE it into someone else.

Make them feel everything.

....

Migraine is killing me.

I think its the the point where I can't see right. Can't think right....

Everything seems off.

Really really bad migraine.

And I'm really really hot...

Maybe I have a fever...

EH why don't I care?

I almost don't want to finish this post.

You'll going to think I'm crazy.

Or legitly losing it.

No.... I'm just tired. And saying exactly, almost exactly, what I feel.

Don't wanna be in my head now do you?

Because its feels pretty empty right now.

I HATE when that happens.

When I just feel empty. Like the lights are on.

But no one is home. No one at all.

I just.... am.

Like someone could just step on in and take control.

Bitch please. This is my head. D<

I hate that we fight.

I hate that I don't get to see him all the time.

I hate that he doesn't text me as much as I want him to.

I hate that I can't trust him.

I hate our work schedule's.

I hate that we feel the same way, but its still different. We still aren't on the same page.

I hate that I miss him so much.

I hate when we are away.

I hate that he drives me crazy.

Yet.

None of that matters when we aren't fighting.

When I get to see him all the time.

When he texts me seven times when I'm asleep.

When I do trust him.

When we actually have a day off together.

When we finally catch up to each other.

When I'm with him.

When he drives me crazy.

I wish he was here.

I'd make him hold me until this headache went away.

He'd melt my anger away.

Somehow, he would.

I wish, I could just show him how I felt.

Show him the extent.

How him how hard this is for me.

How much I'm preparing to get hurt....

I wish.... I just....

"I choose to live"

My priorities are in the wrong place again.

I need to concentrate on work.

And work alone. Honestly.

I need to be promoted.

I need this more then I needed a lot of things.

But I'm so scared. I feel stuck and I'm not sure if I can get out.

So beyond scared to grow. To move.

What if I fail. So scared to fail.

I think, above all, I still want to live in my bubble.

Or least, thats how I feel right now.

I don't want to leave my safety net.

But I keep clawing at it to get out.

UGH. MIGRAINE KEEPS ME FROM THINKING.

Goodnight.

Because I can't take this shit anymore.

I love you.

More then words will ever be able to explain.

Pokemon FTW

Taking Back Sunday has re-entered into my life.

And god do I welcome them with open arms.

They remind me of so many good times, and I know them. They are so comfortable.

Its weird to talk about music like that.

But its true.

They always say exactly what I want to hear. Even if it can be slightly depressing.

Thats OK with me.

I realize after much needed sleep. I have a lot to say, a lot I desperately want and need to say.

But can't.

Won't.

Maybe soon. Maybe not. I just don't have that strength in me.

Which is funny, because I can be so strong so many other places.

Except for saying exactly how I feel. Exactly what I'm feeling.

Exactly what I want.

I just don't want the world to know.

I don't need the world to know how I feel.

Just what I tell them.

"Is there a hole in your heart or am I mistaken?"

He means a lot to me.

Someone I don't think I ever want to be without.

Makes me want to be stronger.

Want to overcome anything.

Sometimes for him, sometimes for myself.

He makes me believe.

Maybe because I believe in him. Maybe because he believes in me.

I said once, we are perfect for each other.

I still, sorta stand by that. But its a mismatched perfect.

If that even makes sense.

Although I am hopeful, I am in general 'up'. Theres still an underlying feeling of sadness.

That I really wish wasn't there.

I hide it a lot. All the time.

But its there.

I want to explore the world with him.

I want to share everything with him.

I want to go on grand adventures.

Show and be shown.

I want to grow with him.

Pokemon has become yet again, my addiction.

I love Pokemon like a fat kid loves cake.

SERIOUSLY.

It just makes me happy. ^^

So does reading, but that draws me too far into my own thoughts. Makes me think. Builds too much energy. Makes me feel stronger. Is that weird? Is that even possible?

EH. Well it happens.

To me, its funny. How I try to hide behind false truths. That my motives are always hidden. That I can never actually tell anyone because then they would be that much closer to me.

And I don't want that. Because if they get close they break. They shatter me. And I'm not letting that happen. Everyone must stay at a distance. Or well, almost everyone. Maybe because I always pull back. I'm scared. HORRIBLY scared, so I hide. I do a lot of hiding. Seems to be the best course of action.

I'm happy, when I'm not freaking out. I'm amazingly happy. Thats all that matters.

Thats all that should ever matter.

Happiness.

And now I've lost interest in writing. Lol Figures right?

Good night.

I love you.

Ayla

Empty thoughts.

Its funny. I'll get all excited to write to have something to say. And when I finally get to it, my heads blank. There are no thoughts, words, nothing. Emptiness. As if someone wiped my head clean of everything there was.

I don't know what to say, I never know what to say. I loss my words completely.

Lost. Because they don't matter.

I watch other peoples emotions, watch them spike, watch them hold a conversation. And I sit here and watch. Listen. Lost within my own head. Lost watching the colors.

Everything hurts. A tight horrible pain in my chest. Where I want to puke, to get sick and can't.

My blood starts to rush through my veins and I shake. First lightly, and then violently.

As it takes hold of me.

My thoughts race, over emotions, running into each other and colliding.

I forget how to breath, forget how to function. Because I just have to know. Need to know.

After a while, my thoughts go black. Bleek with doubt. Worry. Concern.

I don't know. And thats exactly the problem.

I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know whats going on. Which kills more then anything.

Because then I'm stuck with my own thoughts.

And random emotions I feel.

Sadness. Anger. Depression. Rage. Concern. Worry. Doubt.

Too much for me to handle.

A roller coaster of emotions that I can't seem to control.

And only half are from me.

Need to learn to control.

Take control. What is control again?

Definitely depressed. Definitely hiding it. Ignoring it.

Definitely in need of the biggest cry of my life.

Yet it won't come.

So I'll give and I'll give until it does.

Until it comes and it all comes flying out. All at once. Because it needs to get out. Its ripping its way out. And all I want to do is let go.

Anger. And Stuff

I've never had someone put soo much anger into me before. No one has been able to honestly instill that much anger in me by me just seeing/hearing their name. No one.

EVER.

I just, every time I hear her name I just want to strange someone.

Especially her, I want to ring her neck and pin her to a wall. And let the birds pick at her.

MAYBE she still being partially alive... Thats not that bad...

Right? Right? I just, ugh.

I hope she forgets how to breath, trips down 20 flights of stairs, lands in a pile of ticks and gets stung by bees all before she passes out....

...

And now I'm going to stop talking about her before everyone thinks I need help and sends me off to the crazy peoples home.

:/

Other then my irrational anger and slight mood swings as of the past couple of days.

I've actually been pretty decent, pretty, happy.

For the most part give or take the time of day.

Work has been a stress, as always. But I'm finally just accepting all the changes.

Like I told my manger, I stopped fighting it and jumped on board.

Even if I hate change. I just gotta deal with it, because I can't exactly go up to Brian my DM and say NO, NO Brian NO. Lol

Although I would kill to see something like that happen.

It would just make my day.

So work has been still a stress but not so bad. I also redid my availability for them too,

Ulta now only gets two days instead of four to give me hours in.

YAY. Lol.... God I wish I had a full time job instead of two part time jobs.

I've been spending more and more time away from home. I just, I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of it.

I want to move out and move on with life.

And in this house I feel so stuck, I don't understand most of their logic.

I don't understand why they can't deal with their addictions and put them behind them.

I just, UGH.

I want my family to be functional. And they can't be.

Maybe it would help if I was around more.... But I just, I have better things I could be doing with my time...

Does that make me a bad person...? :(

I still love my grandma and brother and mom.

But....

Moving on.

I've been having a harder time with my Dad.

I miss him horribly.

And I still can't forgive myself.

I can't move on.... there has been no closure....

How can I?

I can't..... So until I can, I'll ignore it like I do everything that really bothers me and put it off for another day.

><; So unhealthy of me.

People have been mentioning that I've lost a lot of weight.

I sort of see it, but I really don't notice.

I guess I should eat more often.... Or just eat period.

But.... I don't always have money, food is expensive, and I forget.....

Not very good excuses, but there all I got.

:/

I'm horribly tired and not even really sure why I'm even up.

So I think I'm going to go to sleep now.

Sleep sounds wonderful.

I'm in my nice, comfy bed.

All is good in the world.

Sorta....

Good night.

Ayla

Sicker and sicker.

Sick Sick Sick SICK.

Thats what I've been for the past couple of weeks. Sick sick and SICKER.

It still hasn't gone away.

My fever random pops up.

And a fever for me is like, 99.

At 99 i start to get cold sweats, I'm not all there, I feel weak. Ect ect.

So this sort of sucks.

And today when I woke up my throat was killing me even more.

:(

Talk about a bummer.

AND my lovely friend Josh tells me yesterday,

Its only going to get worse.

AWESOME.

WORSE?

GREAAAT.

He says its from allergies.

ALLERGIES??

Really bad ones...

Well fuck me sideways.

But anyways,

as I cough to death as I'm typing...

I'm taking my Ball Python Disco to work today.

^_^

I asked permission and EVERYTHING. I figure.

We got a huge sale going on.

I like to take him on adventures.

Why not?

:D

Win/Win to me.

And so thinks my store manager.

So this is bueno!

Other then that,

I've been actually pretty happy.

CONFUSED AS FUCK.

But happy.

And thats all that should matter.

My happiness.

Right?

Well I have to run around and get ready for work now.

Later yall.

<3

I am ultimate hope.

I don't understand why people criticize me so much.

Probably because they think I'm stupid, that I never learn.

That I'm always going to get hurt.

But none of that matters to me.

I believe in will.

We have free will for a reason.

I believe that people CAN change, and they will.

If they have the right guidance.

No one is perfect. Thats what makes us human.

Everyone makes mistakes, they fuck up.

And they need to start over again.

I don't care that much about my own happiness.

Because what makes me happy, is that other people are happy.

I want to help people.

I like to help people.

I just wish everyone would understand that.

I believe so strongly in people to make the right decisions.

I am ultimate hope in that sense.

I'll never give up until I've had enough.

Which usually takes quiet a while.

Theres only been three people I've wanted.

That I've set my mind to and have gotten.

Because I made a decision.

They were mine.

There has been three of them.

Every single one of them needed me in some way.

One changed and started to become something amazing.

One fucked up royally, and will never be anything.

And one has the chance to change everything.

And I wouldn't change anything that I have done.

Because I learned more and more about people.

How they function.

How they work.

How they learn.

I have learned.

What I'm doing will hurt me in the end.

I know this.

But I do it anyway.

My need to help exceeds anything else.

Any reason. Any logic.

Its just pure endless faith.

....

And everyone will be mad at me for it.

Everyone will be angry...

Which upsets me like no other...

And I could just say fuck him.

Like everyone else wants me to.

But he reached out for help.

He ASKED me to go with him to the doctor.

To get his depression taken care of.

How can I say no?

When he reached out to me?

How can I turn the other cheek?

....

I personally, can't.

You don't win.

More thoughts I shouldn't be thinking.

Jake was right, two weeks.

I think the best in people. I think people can change, instantly.

That they really are just flawed humans and can change things.

I believe that so strongly.

That it blinds everything else.

How can I not be his friend?

Not be there for him when I cared for him?

Yes, I admit it, I was attached...

More then I'll probably ever voice.

In my head, we were perfect.

I see why we arn't PERFECT.

But I still see how it could work.

He would have to change.

He would have to change for me.

Be completely and utterly unselfish.

And do something completely for me.

And I'm not sure he would....

Even as we talk now, and he tells me how bad he feels, how he was scared

About his feelings and how much he fucked up. That hes a pussy and always fuck up.

I just, don't know if he could be that unselfish.

In a twisted sense.

It makes me happy that he wishes he was still with me.

That he knows he fucked up royally and that I'm better then her.

And he admitted it.

And that hes in pain because he know how much he fucked up.

That makes me smile....

Does that make me a bad person?

I'm not going to date him again anytime soon.

Not to mention EVERYONE would kill me.

Murder me.

But no one understands.

I care and love unconditionally.

I know everyone messes up.

I know that no one is perfect.

And I never expect anyone to be.

I give people chance after chance after chance because I believe.

I believe so strongly in mankind.

In the pure will of things.

I believe with everything in me that people can change.

That if they want to be a better person.

They can be.

They just might not have the means to do so yet.

And I want to be the means.

I want to help everyone.

Hell, I want to love everyone.

And maybe we'll be better as friends.

But as he has said.

We're kindered spirits.

And I know hes apart of my life.

I knew it the very first day I met him.

I'm losing my train of thought now.

Going off to watch Cry-Baby with Brennen.

Goodnight.

Will write more about this later.

Pineapple.

I always told myself I wouldn't drink when things were going wrong.

But I am.

And its not DIRECTLY because I'm upset and such.

But more because its fun.

And I can do it with fun people.

And it helps me move on.

To laugh, not to drink.

Lol.

I love my friends for letting me do this.

^_^

Some days I think the only reason why I function is my friends.

They make me okay with life.

Make me function.

Make me remember to breathe.

Breathe.

I want that tattooed somewhere on me.

Birthday present? ^^

Crystal is currently drawing on my wall.

It makes me happy.

She is the love of my life.

And ALWAYS will be. Forever.

Soul mates?

YEEEEESSS.

She says I am her teenage dream.

I don't exactly understand what that means.

But I will one day I'm sure.

Brennen and Jake were over last night.

I got pretty drunk.

Like, I felt retarded. lol.

But I needed that. Some days, you just need to get smashed.

Lol.

I'm feeling much better anyways. But that could just be all the good feelings I get from my friends.

Oh so happy love-ness of love!

....

I'm a little special.

Jake is over again.

:D

This makes me rather happy.

Hes quiet silly.

My snake is looking at Crystal like he wants to eat her and her paint.

Hehehehehehe.

Disco is so awesome.

HAHA.

DISCO DANCING. ^^

Anywho.

Jake is watching me blog too.

I feel weeeird.

Maybe I shouldn't say what I'm thinking.

"I'm not drunk enough to say what I'm thinking."

:/

I love the things I say sometimes.

I'm rather confused.

About everything.

And Jakes not gay.

But to more pressing matters.

Confused.

I hate break ups because they always put me in a state of confusion.

Which I don't like being in.

BUT, it does help me be decisive.

Because I am a rather indecisive person.

Unless I KNOW what I want. And in which case. I usually get it.

^_^ No matter what....

That sounds creeper... Oh well. :D

I think I need to take more time for myself.

ACTUALLY figure out my problems,

instead of masking them.

Covering them and attempting to forget about them.

Which really hasn't helped me recently.

Like, just last week or the week before... I cried my eyes out in Denny's.

Why? My dad.

And then I saw one of my brothers. :D It made me happy.

But I'm just, I'm not taking care of my problems because I don't know how?

Hm, probably because I'm scared and don't like doing things by my self.

:/ I should get over that.

I've fallen in love with Pet by APC again.

You should all listen and love just as much as I do.

Bwahahaha....

Okay.

Done for now.

NIGHT-ish.

Fuck this hurts a lot.

I don't know how to put into words how I feel.

I feel... crushed, worthless, ugly, unimportant, everything bad.

Yet I'm going to pretend none of those are there.

Because they are all brought on by him.

God I want to crush every bone in his body.

And watch him suffer in pain.

Oh yeah your a fuck up? Well maybe, JUST MAYBE, you should stop fucking up.

By NOT CHEATING ON ME.

WITH A GIRL.

WHO HAS A BOYFRIEND.

AND THEN PROCEEDING TO DATE HER.

YOUR FUCKING RETARDED.

R E T A R D E D.

I Hope she crushes him, and destroys anything left in that boy.

Like, really?

Shes a slut. S L U T.

From what I understand is she sleeps around like NO other.

Like, if your a guy, have interest in her. She'll date you. EVEN THOUGH.

Shes with some army guy supposedly and loves and misses him so much.

MY ASS.

God I want to beat that bitch..

Fuck. I'm so angry

Why have I turned into such a spiteful person?

When did this happen?

Why can't I ever date anyone who ISN'T a jackass?

I feel stupid. Worthless. Like I'm not important enough for someone to ACTUALLY

think/care/want to be with.

UGH. I give up. I say this all the time. ALL the time.

But wtf.

I'm just so angry. Because I did, I really liked him.

And I get nothing. MAYBE if I turn into a crazy, unstable bitch.

THEN, THEN some guy I like will want to be with me.

I'll just flip a bitch whenever I'm slightly upset.

Like FUCK.

I want to cry. More then I ever have.

But I can't.

I don't want to shed a tear because of him.

Because this is all so fucking stupid.

MAYBE, he wouldn't have felt like so many things changed if he TALKED to me.

That is basically the KEY to all relationships.

Communication.

And if theres no communication?

Well you might as well not fucking date at all.

Because honestly?

There is no point. AT ALL.

UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH.

SO.

ANGRY.

I just want someone to care about me, come home to me at night (not literally speaking), hold me and tell me everything is going to get better.

To be my best friend and my lover.

To understand my looks and jokes, my weirdness and randomness.

Why is that so hard?

For him to maybe even be cute and think I'm amazing?

Not that I'm perfect. Just amazing.

Why is that so hard?

Am I just wanting too much?

Everyone tells me I deserve so much.

That I deserve the world.

Yet I can't seem to get that.

Maybe its my own fault. Because I just want to save someone.

I want their feelings to be as strong as mine.

....

I want to hate him.

I want to wish horrible horrible HORRIBLE things on him....

But at the end of the day.

I know I don't mean most of it.

I don't hate him.

And somewhere I wish him happiness.... Even if its hidden by my anger...

I just want him to see what he lost.

What he gave up. What he fucked up on....

And I don't think he will see that....

Most of my ex's see AFTER THE FACT.

AFTER they fuck up....

But by then its too late. Its always too late.

And here they come....

Tears. Endless tears...

Remember the times we had together....

I sound SO pathetic.

Fuck I hate myself. We only dated for like, 2-3 weeks.

But I don't understand why this hurts so much.

Goodnight.

Sucks pretty much.

If its not one thing, its another.

The past week has been really rough. Like everything is just getting to me.

I think it started honestly, a couple weeks ago.

When I straight up balled my eyes out at work.

Why you ask?

Because I thought my bird hated me.

And since then.... Nothing seems to go right.

ESPECIALLY at work.

Work has just gotten sooo hard. So ugh.

I never feel good enough there. Never feel like I'm doing enough...

I havn't felt like that in a long time.

So worthless...

Its like whatever I do could be better. Everything.

Some days I just don't even wanna go into work.

Its not worth it.

Only it kinda is because I need money.

Money makes the world go round after all.

And then for the past week or so I've felt miserable. Literally. Miserable.

Something always hurts.

Or something is just sick.

I can't seem to get over this.

And I simply CAN'T be sick.

I don't have the time to be sick. Ugh.

Or really the energy to be sick.

Just gotta keep pumping myself with medicine and good stuffs. ^_^

Lol good stuffs.

Oh and I think I'm getting depressed.

Awesome right?

I just, it comes and goes.

But mostly comes.

I'm just never really happy.

Just sometimes.

I think, I think too much.

But whatcha gonna do? SIGH.

Thats all I really feel like writing about right now.

Maybe more later...

Maybe more in a week.

MAYBE more later today.

Lol.

Lets all hope today is a better day.

Missing people sucks.

Running thoughts again.

Circling each other.

Depression?

IDK. Happy, happy, happy, happy happy.

CRASH.

His mood changes and so does mine.

I fucking hate being empathic.

It is honestly the worst thing.

Because I am open to everything. And it doesn't help theres so much going on between us.

Its like, its probably not even about me.

But I get upset.

I guess its just because his mood changed once he started texting.

And texted someone all night, and into the next morning.

Jealous? Yeah.... but I'm not going to tell him that.

I don't want to ruin anything.

So that makes me nervous.... Makes me uneasy.

Fucking, I hate my feeling sometimes.

Not to mention, I'm just tired as hell. Maybe I just need to sleep.

After I sleep I will feel better.

><;

I just don't want him to be with me if he doesn't want to be.

You know?

I want him to like me, and sometimes I'm not sure if he does...

Oye.

So frustrating (at times).

But not nearly as bad as Petsmart has been.

I've been getting so annoyed.

But hopefully its going to get better.

I sat down with my friend/co-worker Kersten.

And we wrote a list of everything we could think of.

Everything wrong mostly, and later I added a small list of positives.

><;

But its honestly that bad. Which makes me rather sad.

Oye.

So many emotions. So little energy.

Does that even make sense?

I mean it in that I don't have enough energy to sort it all out.

I miss Darien already. Horribly I miss her. :( I wish she wasn't at school.

And soon Kersten is going to leave.

And I'm going to be even more upset. :(

I loves Kersten. We have SO much fun together. Honestly.

And I miss Crystal.... I know I've been bad about making plans and what not.

But she should keep plans too..... :(

Oye.

So many people to miss. Lol

OH AND TIM! Who I only got to see like, a couple times. :(

Oh Tim.

And Jake. I miss hanging out with Jake. I shall text Jake soon. I feel bad for not texting him the other day. ><;

I'm a bad friend.

Ugh.

And this is where I've run out of things to say because I'm in my own little nothingness.

Goodnight. Sorta.

Happy.

I wish I could describe how I feel.

I don't even know how to put it into words.

It just sort of comes out as a giggle/glee/squeal.

:D

The past two days have been amazing. Literally.

He makes me so happy. I never even thought this would happen.

Maybe I shouldn't be so down on myself? :D

But anyways. I'm happy. Like, really happy.

I wish work would get better already, but I have a plan for that.

Me and my co-worker sat down and wrote a list with everything.

And I'm going to present it to my store manager and peoples in the most passive way.

I can possibly imagine.

Like. As light and easy as I can muster.

Because there IS a problem. And I'm tired of it being avoided.

I CAN FIX IT! :D

Or I'll give myself a headache trying.

But yes. I'm actually rather happy with how things worked out too.

We're taking it real easy, real slow. Nothing super serious.

Which is what both of us want. I don't want my relationship to stress me out.

Hes my friend, probably going to be one of my best friends.

And, were dating. No biggie.

No stress. Just fun.

No regrets, just love. Thats all.

And I couldn't ask for me.

I know I'm going to hate that our schedule's are SO different.

But we'll still have our days. I might even ask for Wednesday/Thursday off.

But maybe later on.

I'm scared though. If things don't work. It'll crush me. And I know it.

Completly and utterly break me for a while.

But I'll bounce back. I always do after all.

But.... I really don't want to think about that. :( :(

So I'm not going too!

:D Bwahahaha. I think I might buy him a fishie.

BWAHAHAHA... I mean.

Um.

My betta's arn't going to take over the world. No. Whatever gave you that idea?

Hehe.

Its now like, 5:20 AM and I'm not asleep... I blame him.

I have work at 11 too. FUUUCK.

Going to sleep.

Goodnight yall.

Oh and he listens to country music.... AWESOME.

Its already starting to rub in.

No regrets, just love.

You think I'm pretty
Without any makeup on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punchline wrong
I know you get me
So I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck but things
Were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance, until we die
You and I, will be young forever

You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance, until we die
You and I, will be young forever

You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

I'mma get your heart racing
In my skin tights jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Yoooouuu
You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back
No

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

I'mma get your heart racing
In my skin tights jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
(Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight)

Its weird how you can feel so connected to a song. Weird how you can miss someone so much,

and them be no more then friends.

You would think, they were your everything.

But they aren't. Just. Friends.

Its 2:30am.

I should be sleeping. Instead I went upstairs and couldn't sleep.

So I went online. And remembered I had work to do.

I almost don't want to sleep.

But then I'd be tempted to go to Denny's and then I know I wouldn't get any work done.

I work 7 days straight this week.

THANKFULLY I had Sunday off. So yay.

Ulta tomorrow, only 4 hours. I CAN DO THIS!

Even if I dread it.

A lots on my mind, but nothing at all, all at the same time.

Its like I'm thinking in circles without actually going anywhere.

I know I'm tired. I should be sleeping. YET, I'm not.

I'm awake. Listening to this song, talking to people.

Tuxy is sleeping next to me, or well, in front of me to be exact.

I love Tuxy.

I did mention he is the best Tuxy in the whole wide world right?

I think, my problem is I love too much. I just want to love and love and love and love.

Until I'm empty.

And then, the next day I'll love some more.

But, no ones willing to take that all from me.

And if they are. I can't go back.

If that makes sense.

I want to keep moving forward, but I feel like my wheels are spinning.

Caught up in the mud.

And its pouring.

AND I'm wearing heels.

I miss when things were simple. When all you had to worry about was school.

When 'stress' was what am I going to wear?

Does that boy like me?

My teacher is a bitch....

That, HA thats nothing.

Now I'm filling with...

I'm so god damn tired, but I need money. Must work.

Fuck, I work two jobs?

When will I get to eat?

Do I have enough gas in my car?

Fuck, I'm poor.

Whats going to happen to my family?

Why can't I do more?

Why do I feel so useless, hopeless.

I don't do enough. I don't help enough. I don't give enough.

My mom/grandma are probably right. I should help out around the house more. I should stay home more.

No, they are right.

"Why aren't you ever home?" I hate it here. "You live here too!" I wish I didn't... "You need to help out around the house more." Why? Its not like you do anything...

And then work....

I need more money. I NEED this promotion. But I need to do more. Gotta help more. Gotta take away the stress. How? Can't. Too tired, just gotta do what I can. Don't push yourself. You need to do more. FUUUUCK. I hate this fucking place. I love animals. Awe, I love those customers. Fuck.

Ulta? Shit. I almost hate makeup now. No I love makeup, what product should I get? I need to get my hair done. Are they going to fire me? Shit, didn't go to work again. I need a different job. Fuck. I'm late.

Oh and, I have friends.

Which I'm pretty sure, they are the only reason why I'm sane. But.

Its still draining.

I want to see them, I do. I love them all so very very much.

But its always off to see someone, someone needs me. Gotta go help someone.

I just wish I could sleep endlessly.

But then I would miss everyone so much.

I'd only get to dream of them, which would be no fun. :(

But still, its non stop.

Work, quick stop at home, friends, home to sleep. Work.

And I do it all over again.

I feel bad. I feel horrible.

But I'm sane.

Mostly....

And then I think about my dad. I think about him constantly without realizing it.

Hes always in the back of my head.

His words repeating over and over.

Gotta help out when I can. Gotta be strong.

Well dad. I don't want to be strong anymore.

I want someone to hold me and take care of me.

To feed me without me asking. To make sure I'm okay.

To just love me completly without any questions. Without any doubt.

But your not here anymore. So you can't be that person.

Your dead. And I never even got to tell you I loved you.

And I do. So god damn much it constantly makes me cry. Constantly.

I miss you so much I can't even explain.

And I'm so angry at myself. I say I'm better but I'm not.

I don't think I can be better.

Did I mention mom is dying? I'm convinced of it.

No one will tell me. No one tells me anything.

But she was taking medicine for something today.

Something about not having antibiotics, so she was taking something else.

AWESOME. Fuck me sideways.

OH, and my brothers dad got into a HORRIBLE bike accident.

HORRIBLE. Like, they weren't sure he was going to be okay.

Like, wtf?

STOP DYING PEOPLE.

I can't deal with anymore death.

Because I know I didn't mention, but, animals keep dying at work.

IDK why, I don't know what were are doing wrong.

But they keep fighting.

They keep getting sick.

They keep getting mange.

Just.

STOP.

I CAN'T DEAL WITH DEATH.

I CAN'T.

I miss you daddy.... Please come back.

And I laugh at myself. For being like this. For being so weak. I don't have a choice.

I never have.

I have to be strong. I HAVE to keep moving.

I HAVE to be okay.

There is no vacation. There is no, no nothing.

I can't move forward if I'm not strong. If I don't keep moving forward.

.....

I love you daddy, I'll always be your little pumpkin.

Beautiful, and strong as hell.

Now if I could only learn Spanish....

Going off to write I think. Maybe.

I havn't been this depressed in a while.

I should have known, there were signs.

Guess I'm just stupid? I ignore things.

Makes things easier that way. Easier to deal with.

I lie, I'm going to write more.

I cried my eyes out at work Monday.

I was trying to clean bird. And my birds kept attacking me, even MY bird.

Just kept attacking. Trying to bite me.

And I cried. BALLED my eyes out.

I just, I couldn't handle it.

I feel so lame for doing so.

But, I guess I needed it.

A girl has limits too you know. Everyone has limits.

Mine are just rather high.

I guess, I just, didn't understand why he hated me. Why he was so angry with me.

What had I done? What did I do wrong?

:(

I feel like I always do something wrong...

Also. I freaking hate people sometimes. Like, No one ever has the answers.

None. Its like they can't talk.

I listen to you when you have problems.

AND then I come up with something to say.

Even when I have no idea what to say.

Why can't you respond? Is my problem just THAT mind blowing?

That you can't come up with SOMETHING to make me feel better?

Maybe thats why I don't talk as much anymore...

No one ever has anything to say....

Nothing to make it better.

No answers. Just blank looks. D<

Well start growing a brain people.

I want answers too. I want someone who will listen and respond.

That will say SOMETHING to either make me feel better or give me some, some something!

D<

Because he told me too.

Quick post before I'm off again.

I'm feeling much much better.

Just in general.

But hate to say it, I know its not going to last.

BUT I have things to look forward too!

Ricks coming home and I'll get to see him.

I'll get to see my lovely Crystal again this week.

I don't have a day off.... but um, they arn't long shifts?

Yeah thats pretty much it.

Going to hang out with Frankie! :D At his apartment naturally.

And then who knows what. Might stop by Denny's and visit mister Paul.

But maybe not. Havn't decided yet. :D

My prayers do go out to my brothers dad.

He got into a really bad bike accident.

Possibly fractured/broke his spine?

internal bleeding in his head?

Last time I heard, they weren't sure if he was going to be okay.

My brother and mom just went to go visit him now.

:(

Even if I don't exactly like you Mark, please feel better! I never want anyone to be hurt like that.

Tuxy is so freaking cute.

I swear.

If he was a real person. He would be all I needed.

I loves him sooooooo much. <3

ALSO: Hopes go out to Brennen that he gets the job at petsmart.

My inside scope tells me hes going too. But still. Lets just hope everything goes according

to plan. BWAHAHA....

:D

More or less happy, more or less not.

I guess I'm just dealing. Thats all you really can do when you can't do anything at all.

Gotta start writing more too... I really should set aside some time for that. ><;

Oh well?

Love you all.

Oh, and Rick, I totally just blogged so you could have something to read.

<33>

Can't wait to see you soon.

Later Alligator <3