Anger. And Stuff

I've never had someone put soo much anger into me before. No one has been able to honestly instill that much anger in me by me just seeing/hearing their name. No one.

EVER.

I just, every time I hear her name I just want to strange someone.

Especially her, I want to ring her neck and pin her to a wall. And let the birds pick at her.

MAYBE she still being partially alive... Thats not that bad...

Right? Right? I just, ugh.

I hope she forgets how to breath, trips down 20 flights of stairs, lands in a pile of ticks and gets stung by bees all before she passes out....

...

And now I'm going to stop talking about her before everyone thinks I need help and sends me off to the crazy peoples home.

:/

Other then my irrational anger and slight mood swings as of the past couple of days.

I've actually been pretty decent, pretty, happy.

For the most part give or take the time of day.

Work has been a stress, as always. But I'm finally just accepting all the changes.

Like I told my manger, I stopped fighting it and jumped on board.

Even if I hate change. I just gotta deal with it, because I can't exactly go up to Brian my DM and say NO, NO Brian NO. Lol

Although I would kill to see something like that happen.

It would just make my day.

So work has been still a stress but not so bad. I also redid my availability for them too,

Ulta now only gets two days instead of four to give me hours in.

YAY. Lol.... God I wish I had a full time job instead of two part time jobs.

I've been spending more and more time away from home. I just, I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of it.

I want to move out and move on with life.

And in this house I feel so stuck, I don't understand most of their logic.

I don't understand why they can't deal with their addictions and put them behind them.

I just, UGH.

I want my family to be functional. And they can't be.

Maybe it would help if I was around more.... But I just, I have better things I could be doing with my time...

Does that make me a bad person...? :(

I still love my grandma and brother and mom.

But....

Moving on.

I've been having a harder time with my Dad.

I miss him horribly.

And I still can't forgive myself.

I can't move on.... there has been no closure....

How can I?

I can't..... So until I can, I'll ignore it like I do everything that really bothers me and put it off for another day.

><; So unhealthy of me.

People have been mentioning that I've lost a lot of weight.

I sort of see it, but I really don't notice.

I guess I should eat more often.... Or just eat period.

But.... I don't always have money, food is expensive, and I forget.....

Not very good excuses, but there all I got.

:/

I'm horribly tired and not even really sure why I'm even up.

So I think I'm going to go to sleep now.

Sleep sounds wonderful.

I'm in my nice, comfy bed.

All is good in the world.

Sorta....

Good night.

Ayla