11:40pm

I lay in bed and wonder, what the hell happened?

How could everything have changed in just 6 days...

How can everything just... stop?

It hurts to not understand. To not know why.

Was there someone else?

Did I do something wrong?

Did I say something to offend him?

Was I not good enough....?

It hurts to think about him.

And even more the very rare times he talks to me.

But I cherish them.

And as I lay here and look through my text messages.

I don't understand.

I don't understand any of it.

I wonder if I was just like everyone else.

If I was just another victim.

I wonder if he still reads my blog.

Wonder if he'll ever know...

But I guess I'll never know will I?

I should move on.

I should put it behind me and forget about it.

Yet here I am.

And I still go online just to see if hes there.

And realize theres no point...

Because hes not going to talk to me.

Am I sad?

Have I really lost myself that much to my emotions?

Yeah, probably.

Its better then thinking about anything else at the moment.

Like the fact I have to be at work at 6am.

The fact that I just have so much to do at work.

That I have bills that need to be paid.

That I need to take care of things...

And havn't.

Least I'm able to eat now. And get gas.

Thats always good....

Yet I'd rather think about him...

and how hes not mine.

I miss him. More then I can comprehend.

....

My vacation was awesome.

I had a lot of fun.

Drank a bunch.

But oh well.

Got to go swimming and get my tan on.

Went exploring.

Did... nothing.

And I got to do it with some of the best people.

Except for David mostly sleeping the whole damn trip.

So much fun.

I was able to escape. Be free.

And now I'm back.

And I torture myself by going online.

I should just learn to be happy.

I guess I never was good at that.

Goodnight world.

I miss you.

I love you.