Strobe

I don't think I've been this tired since I worked at Denny's

I need to sleep yet I havn't. I should be sleeping now. Instead I'm... awake.

I can't seem to slow down or stop. To keep my mind focused long enough to actually want to sleep.

Instead it just keeps spinning, around and around it keeps going.

Through every little detail, to every little aspect.

It doesn't want to stop, to let go.

It can't.

I can't.

I've been working a bunch of hours too.

Which is good, don't get me wrong. But oh so tiring.

I'm SO tempted to call into work tomorrow morning. SO tempted.

But I won't. I can't/shouldn't.

It won't be so bad, only 10-10.

Not like today, 8-10. :(

I should specify that this is am to pm.

That one boy is still on my mind, constantly. I have to make myself not think about him.

Which is probably bad. But, I'll make it. I always do after all.

I just want to talk to him more is all. But I can't/shouldn't. UGH.

Changing subject.

I feel like a lot of people are how do I say this, opening up to me?

It makes me feel loved/wanted.

But its weird I guess.

IDK. I'm not exactly sure if I'm thinking correctly.

My stomach hurts.... I'm tired...

I want a cig.

Yep, its time to go to sleep.

Goodnight world.

Maybe we'll talk more tomorrow.

You make me smile

Theres this boy. Hes rather cute, funny, interesting, fun to be with, amazing, basically just awesome.

And I'm starting to like him.

However, he has a girlfriend.

D<

And this makes me rather sad and upset on the insides. Because well,

She doesn't deserve him. And even though they've only been going out for a short while.

I don't think its going to work.

And I usually have a pretty good feel for these things.

I just, idk.

If anything, I want to become one of his good good friends. :D Then I can rock his world.

Haha. Or something like that.

This week is going to be pretty rough. I work roughly 54 hours this week. In total.

Ulta and Petsmart. OH BOY.

Havn't done this in a while. I'm sure I'll be good. ^_^

I got the power of love on my side! Haha.

Should be sleeping before work, but I can't. I havn't been sleeping a lot recently. It'll be like, 4 hours, 4 hours, 12 hours, 4 hours... ect. Its sort of lame. But oh well, I'll rest for like, an hour or so.

Whee.

Anywho.

Off to sleep and then 12 hour day.

10-2 Ulta. 2-10 Petsmart.

WHOO HOO!

Denny's

Sitting at Denny's just made a new friend. His name is PAUL!

Hes super awesome and cool and cute.

BUT SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Haha.

Oh boy. I really should be sleeping.

But I'm not. I'm visiting my friend Brennen.

Hes pretty awesome.

And there is coffee involved. So its awesome.

Lets see. I have more itches :(

Stupid bug bites. WAAAHHH

Its now almost 6 in the morning and I'm finally finishing this.

...I lie. Its now almost 7pm and I've already gone to sleep. :D

What a crazy night. I love my friends.

Hope I get to see them again soon.

Fucking brother.

I honestly am just SO sick and fucking tired of my brother.

He needs to get over himself and get himself straight. Like.

Hes not my fucking child. Why do III have to deal with this shit?

His shit NEEDS to stop.

He complains, and moans and is just so angry/upset.

Like.

Fucking STOP. Your retarded.

You have a WHOLE future ahead of you and your going to pull this shit?

God damn.

He just said "I'm going to fail high school right in your fucking face."

Really? God your so god damn mature.

UGH how am I possibly related to this boy?

And he doesn't understand ANYTHING. We are POOR.

Capital P O O R.

We can't afford to buy him an air soft gun. Sorry. We just can't.

Mac Book Pro? Does he even REALIZE how much those cost? Fucking christ.

Why can't he just be happy with what we try and get him. God.

Nothing is EVER good enough for him and I'm not going to play this game anymore.

Hes going to just have to live with it. And get over it.

God fucking damn it.

Rage. Rage. Rage. Rage.

Stupid ass immature little boy. D<

I just, I am at suuuch a lose for everything with him.

I don't know how to be a mother and make him understand.

I'm only his sister. His HALF SISTER.

With so many other things on my plate. Like.

UGH.

I'm just so angry. Going to get some coffee.

D<

Your amazing just the way you are

UUUUGGGGGHHHH.

My air conditioner broke.

Its storming like hell just broke lose.

I'm burning up.

I have to work at 9am.

I want to write, but I can't make up my mind.

I hate when I wake up from violent nightmares.

I didn't go to work again.

I feel like a bad person because I also didn't call in.

I'm using my ex.

My computer is being strange. And annoying me.

Theres bugs in my house.

I should be sleeping.

Thats basically my current thoughts. From whats the most 'important' to the least.

Awesome right? I think not. I think I'd rather shoot something.

BUT, I am rather in love with the song Just the way you are by Bruno Mars.

Its basically amazing.

I wish someone would dedicate that song to me. Or do that to me ><:

God I'm SUUUCH a hopeless romantic. Literally.

I fail.

"And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while. Because girl your amazing, just the way you are."

I'm writing again. Which makes me quiet happy. Its such a good release. Honestly.

I wrote a story. If you really want to see, I'll email it to you. Just ask. :D

Now goodnight, and in the words of Rick.

"you need sleep to keep cute okay, sleep well"

<3

He makes me happy when hes cute/caring.

I miss that about him. Oh Rickary.

How things have changed. :(

It really saddens me.

You know how people separate and stop talking for no reason.

Its like why? Oye.

Night for realzies this time. :D

Maybe theres a shark in the water.

"I don't believe in love. And I certainty don't believe in you. You lie. You cheat. Your nothing but a disgrace. I'll never forgive you. And I'll never, ever believe you again. You not going to sweet talk out of this again because there will be no tomorrow. There will be nothing, nothing ever again. Your a pig and thats what you'll become. A filthy dirty, fat pig."

And sometimes I wonder if I'm REALLY okay.

Should be sleeping but I was writing instead. WHOO.

Got work at 9pm today.

Weird right?

Over night for inventory. I'm awesome I know.

Considering I have to go back to work at Ulta at 8am.

I THINK SO.

Not a lot to talk about since I wrote.

<3

"Its so fluffy I could die."

Sometimes.

Its hard to function. Its hard to breath. To think without running in circles. And then I remember, its all going to be okay. No one is going to die. No one is hurt. Theres no need to freak out. I wish I remembered that always, I think that would save me a lot of heartache. But thats just an idea.

Today was my only day off, you know what I did? I slept. Almost all day until 2:30pm. It felt so wonderful. And then, I did nothing. Honestly, I sat around the house until almost 9pm and then I went out and ran some errands with Darien and got food. Glorious food. :)

I went to see Despicable me with a couple of my co-workers. OMG IT WAS AMAZING. I loved that movie. I would see it again and again. So cute and funny, and it has such a cute story/meaning. :) "FLUFFY!" Good movie. :D

I'm not at all looking forward to working tomorrow. I have to clean the small animals. I do not want to clean the small animals. Let me tell you. :( But I'll manage. Somehow. Not exactly sure how I'm going to manage yet, BUT I will. I work till 2pm which will not be fun either. BUT I just made plans with Adrian :D I loves him, and havn't seen him in what feels like ages. Its going to be so nice to see him.

Life has been....

Honestly uneventful besides my stress hives. Oh and my ex talking to me. Constantly. Wanting to take me out and do stuff with me and basically wanting to get back with me. And honestly, i got past my anger. I got past everything. I can be his friend and have no problems at all. Just stop trying to get back with me! There is no us anymore. And I don't think he understands that. I probably am going to have to stop talking to him. But thats what I gotta do.

I'm also rather upset that Michael isn't talking to me again. For the second time. After asking if he was going to do this again. So if he wants to talk to me. He can contact me. D<>

Which brings me to another point in my life. I don't think I care about anyone anymore. It just hurts too much to. So I just stopped. Ouchies right? Eh. Its a little better that way. Because I can put all my love into other things. My friends, family, and work. I don't need to love a man. I know I keep saying this, but its not enough to just say it. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to get at, or even what I'm trying to say. Just that, I'm done I guess. I have no interest in being in any sort of romance..... thats a lie. I have a lot of interest in being with someone romantically, just not the energy or means to. I just want to skip all the dating and bullshit and get straight to loving each other. I don't want to get to know someone and then have them turn out to be a dickface. I just want to know they are a good person, that they care about me, and I care about them. And want to be with them, and so on and so forth. But... No. I guess you could say I'm too young for things like that, but it doesn't stop me from wanting something like that. I just want simple, because everything around me is not. Oye.

I'll be starting another blog with my best friend Sasha. Its going to be one of writings and photography. :D I'm honestly really excited I just need to start writing again. And this will help. Just to get out everything I'm trying to say and be able to write in general. It will all help. So I'm excited. I hope people follow it and what not. ^^

Good night. I'm tired and need to sleep for my oh so hard day tomorrow.

Off to play pokemon. <3

Itchy as fuck.

I'M FUCKING ITCHY AS HELL!!

Fuck me.

Like, I have these hives EVERYWHERE.

Like before. They were just bumps.

NOW, I have these hives that itch like mad. AND I have little bumps.

:(

Wtf is wrong with me?

I really wish I had insurance right now.

Because I'd probably be in the emergency room or have been to the doctor.

They itch so badly.

And this anti-itch cream isn't helping.

I would take benadril BUT, it makes me so sleepy.

AND I have to be up at like, 5am.

Like, I can't afford to be late to work.

At all.

So I feel pretty much screwed.

The only good thing is that Rick said his mom would look at me.

Shes a nurse.

And maybe, JUST maybe.

She can help me. :( I'm just so worried.

What if its something serious?

I've NEVER had hives that I can remember.

just like, little bumps that itch from an allergic reaction, but they go away.

These don't.

Like. WTF? GO AWAY GOD DAMN IT.

Like, watch it be stress hives.

And with me stressing about the hives, it just making it worse.

Or like.

It be some allergic reaction to the sun.

JUST WATCH.

I'd cry.

:(.

A lot. Which I'm about to because I'm so itchy.

Shoot me.

Yay good mood!

Sometimes, I wonder if people realize what they have in front of them.

And then I remember that they never do.

Until whats in front of them is gone.

You never realize how hard someone tries at a relationship,

Until they stop.

Until they no longer care.

And then when that friend or lover is gone.

They are never going to come back.

Ever.

In a pretty good mood actually.

Listening to Dynamite by Taio Cruz.

I really like that song. :D

"I want to celebrate and live my life."

Such true and amazing lyrics.

I've been really weird recently.

Moody, hungry, not hungry. Overly sleepy.

I'm expecting....

My period.

:D

Any day now.

D<>

I hate all these cravings, and mood swings.

God damn.

Stupid body. ><;

So the past couple of days have been pretty interesting.

Last night, I got dragged out to IHOP at some godly hour.

To hang out with a VERY drunk David, and Brian.

Who I've never met before.

He was also drunk.

And did not hide the fact that he thought I was a cutie.

And so on and so forth.

Talk about awkward.

I was pretty glad to go home, but god it was funny.

<3>

And my ex, Marco, has been texting me. Which I'm fine with.

I've made my amends.

And I'm not going to stay angry at him or my ex-friend.

Theres really no reason.

I simply don't care enough.

But, hes been nice.

Offered to buy me food again.

I like food. ^^

I'm real proud of myself.

I've been trying to keep in touch with all my friends more.

Just some contact is better then none.

Plus. I don't want to lose them.

And plus, even if I don't talk to you, I probably thought about you.

Or FB stalked you....

Or read through text messages. Lol.

Maybe pictures.

^^ I'm weird like that.

Any who. Probably gonna go do some drawing.

Love you all.

<3

Yes! Sex is always the answer

I feel like today is going to end in me staying up most of the night.

Being dragged out to IHOP tonight.

With a drunk David and Darien.

But, thankfully Darien said she'd pick me up.

:D

THEN, tomorrow we are going to this awesome pet store.

Imma look at their geckos :D

Or somethin.

And in the morning I gotta drop off my car at the dealership place so they can look at it.

And make sure its not broken.

And stuff.

THEN, I gotta work at 5pm.

><;

I'm going to be so tired.

Oye.

So tired.

But its worth it.

You only live once after all.

Why should you shelter yourself from everything?

Its pointless.

I want to LIVE.

Will you?

Also: Do you like my new blog? I made it all puuurdy.

Tell me what you think.

^^

Face down in a parking lot.

Its 1:30am.

I should be asleep.

BUT I'm not.

Instead, I'm online.

Doing honestly, nothing.

I wish someone would talk to me.

I think it would be better.

I also think I'm going to go to sleep.

Since,

Theres nothing better to do.

Innerpartysystem. <3

True Blood. <3>

"I use to think that you were pure,

But now I see that your just empty.

Lie to me, its the new poetry.

Its the language that we speak.

....

You know I love you but you might be the death of me,

hold me down, suffocating, please let me breath.

kiss kiss, lights out, I've got to we've got to

you know I love you but your gonna be the death of me."

One day, nothing else will matter.

There will only be us.

One day.

We'll all die.

And everything will have been a waste.

Except for us.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

I realized this.

Like, really realized this.

I'm in love with love.

And loving.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I feel so... out of place because of this.

The words of my friend come to me now.

"You are the purest person I've ever met."

I think she might have been on to something.

I really want no harm to come to anyone.

Even people I don't like.

I don't want anyone to get hurt.

To cry. Or scream.

I don't understand it.... Unless I'm experiencing it.

Then. It consumes.

Becomes you. You are your emotions.

"I want you to notice,

what you've been missing,

I want you to feel that,

Feel that deep inside of you.

I want you to notice, all of my love,

what you've been missing,

I want you to feel that,

Feel that deep inside of you.

All of my love, all of my love, all of my love, all of my love."

I've also noticed, that my posts have been longer and longer.

As I have more and more to say.

I sometimes feel like my brain literally shuts off.

And for weeks at a time, I'm on auto pilot.

That I'm no longer in control.

I've lost control.

...

And then.

Suddenly, I'm back.

And I wonder where my head has been.

Wonder where I've been.

And realize I wasn't thinking.

"If this night should take my life, we can't go back."

I should talk about my day.

Work was the longest 5 hours of my life.

I was tired, and just not in the mood to work.

And kept losing focus. Talk about ADD.

While, I was put back on track I was sent to clean dishes.

And that went great, until I gashed open my arm with the corner of a

20G tank that slipped from my hands.

Thankfully it didn't break.

BUT, when it hit my arm it started to bruise instantly.

And then a few minutes later started to bleed, and bleed.

And not stop.

It's awesome.

The band aid is still on my arm. D<

My store manager, and told me I could stay till 7.

But I got send home at 4. D<>

So, no lots of money for me.

It was slow and boring.

I was suppose to hang out with Crystal and Kersten.

But I had already told them I couldn't make it.

And didn't feel up to seeing anyone.

EXCEPT, my friend Marco invited me to go eat.

We went to Friday's.

He paid :D

Then he took me to see Eclipse.

I actually liked it. DON'T TELL ANYONE. D<

And I went home. Blogged.

And watched True Blood.

God do I love TB.

Anyways.

Going to Best Buy tomorrow to see if I can get the Evo.

I'm excited.

Good night world.

I love you.

Never change.

Actually...

Change a lot.

you suck.

Thoughts be spinnin

I realized something today.
All I want is to be me.
I've always wanted something.
But I've never realized, maybe what I want,
I already have.
I want to be me.
Idc if I'm popular.
Idc if I'm pretty.
Idc if I'm the thinnest.
Idc about anything really.
And maybe I'm selfish in that aspect.
But no one matters unless I love you.
And if I love you.
I think I could stop time with that amount of will.
That amount of strength within me.
Love, my love, can't be measured.
Because there is no limit to it.
Unless I put a limit. Or you do....

I guess that brings me to my next thought.
I love a man.
Who I'm probably never going to meet.
Who most likely doesn't care nearly as much as I do.
And could possibly be lying about everything.
Yet. I love him. For some unreasonable reason.
There is no logic or reasoning to understand it.
I just do.
And it honestly hurts me to. But, thats who I've decided to love.
And if he decides to stop, to say no to me.
Then I will, in a sense, break my own heart.
I will make it stop. If I have to....
I've done it before.... And I cry, and cry and cry.
Until a couple weeks later it gets better.
And I'm able to completely function again.
And honestly, for my own well being.
I probably should.
I think I'm crazy for loving him.
Yet, all I want is for him to be happy.
To know more about him, to talk to him, to make him smile and laugh.
He said maybe I was infatuated with him.
And....
I honestly don't know what to really say to that.
I want him to be happy. And I want that happiness, in part, to come from me.
I want to be the person he says I love you too.
And if he decides that he no longer wishes to be apart of my life.
Then so be it.
But he'll actually need to talk to me about this.
Not just leave me hangin.

I wonder, the people that read this, if you think I'm crazy.
I wonder that myself.
I never come up with an answer.
Just that I'm me.
And I don't think I'd want it any other way.

4th Of July Pictures

Because my friends are really that cool.

It looks like Kersten cast'd a spell.

:D

....

Looks like she also won.

VICTORY!

Brought to you by Kersten and Crystal.

"Can you meet me halfway,

right at the borderline?

That's where I'm gonna wait for you

I'll be looking out night and day

Took my heart to the limit,

and this is where I stay

Oh, I can't go any further than this

Oh, oh, I want you so bad, its my only wish."

I'll scribble your name in the sky.

Write it over until it fills the night.

And everyone will see.

Just how much you mean to me.

<3

Ily.

My heart fizzled and died out....

Poor heart.

I believe in you!

You can do it!

...

x_x

Crystal lost the light.

It flew away from her.

WHEEEEE!

...

<3

This is a smiley face.

<------------------

This is my behind the smiley face.

:]

I made it.

Isn't it awesome?

And this is one of the fireworks.

I thought it was rather pretty.

<3>

I hope you think so too.

I'm sure I'll add more later.

Or something.

Ily.

Yes.

Blissfully Happy.

<3

"I love you, though." Heart.

Today has been such an off day.

I got to work in a bad mood and stayed in a bad mood....

For oh... most of the day.

I was just grumpy as hell.

And then depressed...

I thought about him...

And tuxy dying.

Wtf? Tuxy isn't ALLOWED to die.

D<

I'd be devastated.

But over all, work was alright, got super busy at times.

Which I guess is good.

Keeps me busy after all.

Sort of stressed about it.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything without it being erased.

Or torn down.

Or redone.

:( I feel pretty useless sometimes.

But customers love me.

And I love my customers.

They are funny. ^^

I'm upset, Crystal cancelled on me. Family stuff. :( I'll never get to see her.

But I'm going to hang with Darien.

Which is just as good.

I love Darien. She makes me smile. :D

Plus, its not like I'll get to see her a lot soon.

Stupid collage. ><;

Its funny, I guess.

I was almost asleep. Then he texted me.

Out of the blue because of my status....

And my heart started to race.

Well, there goes sleeping. Lol.

Its funny how he can make me blissfully happy.

And horrible depressed all within the same day.

I feel hopeless.

At his mercy.

But I guess I gave that to him after all.

I'm going to try and take Darien's advice though. I just.

Gotta let go a little.

Then I think it'll stop hurting.

Maybe.

Least I'm good at hiding it. Right? Lol

Except for people who read my blog.

"Its my world starting now."

I love him.

I know this.

And I'm sure he knows this.

Will I continue to let it handicap me?

Secretly.

Love can make you fly.

You just have to believe.

And it will be the reason behind learning to fly.

Or the means to fly.

You just have to believe.

Then just maybe.

Love can do anything, be anything, transform anyone.

You just have to let it.

I'll smile because you told me to...

And now, I'm going to Dariens.

Where we will watch movies and she shall feed me!

:D

I'm craving some mac n cheese << >>;

In love and... love, :]

Ayla.

11:40pm

I lay in bed and wonder, what the hell happened?

How could everything have changed in just 6 days...

How can everything just... stop?

It hurts to not understand. To not know why.

Was there someone else?

Did I do something wrong?

Did I say something to offend him?

Was I not good enough....?

It hurts to think about him.

And even more the very rare times he talks to me.

But I cherish them.

And as I lay here and look through my text messages.

I don't understand.

I don't understand any of it.

I wonder if I was just like everyone else.

If I was just another victim.

I wonder if he still reads my blog.

Wonder if he'll ever know...

But I guess I'll never know will I?

I should move on.

I should put it behind me and forget about it.

Yet here I am.

And I still go online just to see if hes there.

And realize theres no point...

Because hes not going to talk to me.

Am I sad?

Have I really lost myself that much to my emotions?

Yeah, probably.

Its better then thinking about anything else at the moment.

Like the fact I have to be at work at 6am.

The fact that I just have so much to do at work.

That I have bills that need to be paid.

That I need to take care of things...

And havn't.

Least I'm able to eat now. And get gas.

Thats always good....

Yet I'd rather think about him...

and how hes not mine.

I miss him. More then I can comprehend.

....

My vacation was awesome.

I had a lot of fun.

Drank a bunch.

But oh well.

Got to go swimming and get my tan on.

Went exploring.

Did... nothing.

And I got to do it with some of the best people.

Except for David mostly sleeping the whole damn trip.

So much fun.

I was able to escape. Be free.

And now I'm back.

And I torture myself by going online.

I should just learn to be happy.

I guess I never was good at that.

Goodnight world.

I miss you.

I love you.

:D

Goodbye.
I'm gone on vacation.
<3
LATER SUCKAS!!

Dear reader,

Not gonna lie.

I've been having an on and off headache possible migrain for the past three days.

And I've just about had it.

D<>

Thats all.

Just go away.

Thats not even that much to ask for.

4th of July was PRETTY awesome. Surprisingly.

Besides the fact I had to work for 8 hours.

I spent it with two oh so lovely ladies.

Crystal, Kersten, and Kersten's friend that I can't remember her name.

><; God I'm tired.

We took some pretty sweet pictures.

Chased fireworks.

And had an amaaaazing grilling time. ^^

I love burgers.

All and all? Good day.

Saturday however, I just wanted to punch some customers.

LITERALLY.

They were just so rude and mean. D<

Get over it people. And stop taking it out on me.

I just want to sell you some god damn fish D<

But anyways.

Stressed as always. My manager thinks my headaches are from that.

I just, IDK how I'm going to get ready for my vacation when I just have to work.

SO GOD DAMN MUCH.

:( I want to cry kind of.

Not to mention I'm still stressing about the stupid ticket.

I REALLY hope they give me an extension.

Otherwise I'm pretty much screwed.

And my life is over. ><;

Theres a cricket in one of my gecko's cages that I'm about ready to kill.

If it chirps any more. I think I might shoot myself.

Its SO GOD DAMN ANNOYING.

I'll have pictures up soon of the awesome pictures we took. :D

I really love my camera. Just not the fact it takes AA batteries.

And eats them like candy.

Thats the only bad thing.

But I'll live.

Have a great night reader.

And as someone once told me.

"smile."

Ayla

Forth of July

HOLY MOLEY!!!!

Its a mooole.

:D

I have to work in like... 7 hours. WHOOO.

And I work most of the day....

Maybe I'll get to see fire works?

I hope so.

Still pretty tired from all the working and what not.

My body just hates me I guess.

><; Who knew?

REALLY excited about my sort of vacation.

Even though I gotta work the day I'm leaving and the day I come back.

It'll be freeeeedom.

:D

And lots of drinking.

Which is what I need.

A release.

An escape.

Freedom.

:]

Just live life I guess.

You never know what could happen.

And you gotta make the best of it.

In response to some of my earlier posts.

Ignorance is my friend.

^^

If I don't think about it, it won't hurt.

Gotta love that. Haha.

Later! <3

You take it away then give it right back

Singing my heart out hoping it'll stop hurting.
Maybe if I just ignore my computer.
It'll all go away.

But the loneliness and longing still tugs...
And you use to be the person to make that all go away...
Why are you now the person causing it?
And yet, you are so sure that I'll feel better soon.
Do you really think my words were that empty?

"And i made a noise that sounded something like crying, oh one day you will go away from this, oh one day you will know we're men of snow we melt, one day."

Oddly, those lyrics seemed to fit.
But then I'll listen to another song.
And those will fit as well.

I feel like I don't do enough at work. That I don't try hard enough.
Am I being an over achiever?
I just want to make everything right.
Make everyone happy.
Why can't I still seem to do that?
I feel like I'm falling, slipping and tumbling.
Is my depression rising again?
What will be my savior this time?
And yet, I already know the answer.
Love.
Love is always my savior. And always will be.
I live and thrive off love.


"Incredible love, you kill me."

I want to be a superhero. I want to fly.
Soar above the clouds.
Cloud nine here I come.
I will reach them one day.
One day.
I'll do all that and more.
Then you'll see.
Everyone will see.

I have bumps running up my forearm.
They are annoying, and starting to itch.
Oh work, how I hate you and love you.
They are really small too.
Oye.
I'm dying.

Blogging helps me... think :)

So going on a Vacation next week.

WITH some of the most amazing people ever.

:D

David.

Darien.

AND

Victoria.

<3>

AND NOT TO MENTION it will be David's birthday the 9th, which is the day we are leaving. :D

We are going to celebrate HARD CORE.

I'm actually really excited.

We are going for three nights, and four days.

Swimming, mini golf, volleyball, fire's, hiking, and most importantly, NOTHING.

Four days of nothing just fun.

Drinking too. :D Gotta drink mah wine after all.

But seriously, so excited.

I should bring a Frisbee. JUST in case. :D

Oh and theres a jacuzzi in one of the rooms. MINE of course.

I already told them I get the master bedroom. And IDC who shares with me.

But its mine.

:D

We decided, since Victoria is dating someone, and Darien and David don't know each other.

It would be less awkward if David slept with me.

OH BBY OH BBY. Jk guys. Jk.

But seriously. No parents. No little brother.

I feel like a grown up. Hahahaha.

I just feel like a dumb ass. Because I forgot to ask off for work from ULTA.

So that means I'm going to have to go in there tomorrow and tell them.

Oh hey, sorry manager, I can't work next week. :/

I'm sure shes gonna go with that, but shes gonna have to. :D

I'll be GONE!

Checked out.

Goodbye.

And now I honestly, really, need to go to sleep.

Good night world.

Wish me luck. I work a loooong day tomorrow.

<3

Ily.

There was this boy...

There was a boy that I liked a lot.

Told him I loved him. And meant every word.

He was cute.

Funny.

Sweet.

Caring.

And we got along great.

I thought we were perfect.

We didn't always talk a lot. But when we did.

It was amazing. Lots of laughs, smiles and jokes.

Sometimes, we didn't need to talk but just say hey.

He made everything seem better. Helped me reason things out without even realizing it.

I wanted him to be my everything.

Or as much as he could be.

There was a distance between us.

But that wouldn't matter.

I wanted to love him, and for him to love me.

I would have gone to him.

Taken weeks off for him.

And then....

He stopped.

Stopped, caring. I guess.

Stopped falling for me.

As he says.... And my heart shatters. I feel it give out.

I don't cry. Don't really know what to say.

Except. I should have known.

And the loneliness grows. Threatens to overwhelm me.

Take me and throw me.

But I must be strong. After all, hes just a boy right?

And I don't need one of those. I just would like someone to love.

To call mine. To have and to hold.

So what do I do?

Do I try and stop my feelings?

Try and pretend none of those were there?

PSH Fuck That.

They were real. And I cared about him deeply.

And if he wants to just stop. Then he can.

But I won't. I wouldn't be me if I did.

I don't give up like that.

Even when I want to....

And eventually when my feelings aren't met. They will disappear on their own.

They will displace and find other things to attach to.

But until then. I will love him.

Even if he doesn't talk to me.

Because at least I tried. And didn't give up.

....

Or maybe I'll just ignore it until I cry my eyes out.

Then it will be okay. Because I cried, and got it out.

Whatever I do.

I know I'll still care about him.

Maybe he'll realize that...

Or maybe someone else will.

Just gotta keep moving forward.

Pushing forward.

Nothing ever has or will hold me back.

Just minor hurtle's to over come.

And if your reading this.... You should look up the song:

Corner of your heart by Ingrid Michaelson.