Fathers Day...

It didn't hurt around thanksgiving, or even your birthday.

It hurts when everywhere in the world I'm reminded of Fathers Day...

And your not here...

I can't even pretend.... Your just not here.

I hate myself every time I think about you.

Because its my fault.

All my fault.

I didn't get to say goodbye.

I couldn't get over my anger. I couldn't just be the daughter you wanted me to be.

I couldn't go to Mexico with you....

Would I now?

Yes yes and yes!

I miss you like no other.

And the only memories I have of you I won't look at, and I won't remember.

Because then I want to cry and cry and cry.

And then cry again.

Remember that time you came to visit.... the only time you came to visit?

And I cried and begged you to forgive me. That I was a bad daughter.

And that I was sorry I didn't call more....

Or how about the time I called just to make sure you were still alive because Jon died...

I feel like a horrible person.

Its been almost two years.

Two Fathers Day's.

If I think about it, it hurts like no other.

Which is why I pretend to forget.... Pretend its not real.

That I could still call Mexico and get a hold of you.

And then reality sets in and you won't be on the other line.

Which is why it never works.

I just want this weekend to go away.

I have no one to call dad, or even give a card to.

I have a mother, whos crazy.

Whos killing herself, and is constantly drunk, sick, or asleep.

What do you expect me to do?

I'm doing like you said, to help out when I can.

To give to my grandma whenever I can.

To help out my family and do what I can.

But its so hard. I feel like somedays, I'm the only one supporting myself.

And then I try and take care of my brother too.

And I'm the only support I have.

I wish you were here.

I want to be angry.

I want to curse you for dying and leaving me. But its not your fault....

Its mine.

Its those stupid doctors.

Its your family's for not taking better care of you.

Its your goats and dogs for running away.

But its not yours.

And I'll never get to tell you I love you again.

And I think that fact alone hurts more then anything else.

So...

I love you daddy. And I'll always be your princess. Your little pumpkin.

Always.

I love you.

Please come back.....