Depression and Anger. What a mix.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

I feel like I can't do anything right.

I can't ever make anyone happy.

Like fuck myself. I've given up on being happy.

But I wanted to at least make other people happy.

AND now I can't even do that. D<>

I give up. I honestly give up.

I'm just not going to care about anyone.

Or anything.

Which I know as I say this its a bull face lie.

But IDC.

I'm just so upset.

I just I wish I was at work.

Then I could just work. And not care.

I could go about my cleanings or helpings of animals.

And just not think.

:(

Why does he have to do this?

Why can't he talk to me?

Why am I such a bad person?

:( D<

A mix of depressed and angry emotions I am.

And it seems I can't do anything to fix that.

.....
Well this sucks.

And to think I just woke up

I just woke up.
My head already hurts, or maybe it hurt from sleep.
Its my second day off in a row.
And I really don't feel like doing anything.
AT ALL.
I'm actually rather sad.
Or maybe just not happy.
><; How lame.
Got some stuff to do today though.
REALLY need to do some laundry. Like. Shit.
:D
Gotta get my camera from Sir David.
AAANNNNDDD I think thats it.
I woke up at like 9 something because my phone rang.
I was confused and was like, wtf body I'm still tired.
And went back to sleep and promptly slept till 1pm.
:D


... And restarting my computer because its retarded D<
All I want to do is talk to Michael....

And he has no interest in talking to me.... At all

And he was depressed about something on this very blog.

And yet I have no idea what.

And now he doesn't care.

And it doesn't matter?!

It MATTERS to me.

Because maybe he doesn't realize.

BUT, I still care....

I still want to know why he was upset.

And I can't even know that?

D:

Wtf did I do?....

My heart hurts.... A lot....

And I think I just am going to go back to sleep...

Or cry my eyes out.

Either or. I'm SURE it doesn't matter.

I guess that means I don't matter? :(

Thats even more depressing.

:(

RAAAWR Love me?

I'm not exactly sure whats wrong with me.

Suddenly I think I've been feeling.... lonely.

I don't think Ive ever really felt lonely before.

Its a really weird feeling.

Like, all I want is to be held.

And for my vacation to be like, now. D<

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do about this.

PROBABLY, nothing. But still. What a very strange feeling.

I'm super stressed out which is probably why.

Oye.

I'm also might sort of kind of starting to like my oooold ex again.

><; Except that wouldn't work. Because well.

Hes going away. And that time is aproaching rapidly.

So. OYE. I have no idea.

I'll probably just shove those thoughts/feelings far far away.

Because well, I'm not gonna bother him with all that.

So I'll attempt to keep them all to myself. :]

I hate bothering people. Honestly.

I just feel so annoying.

Anyways, I've grown tired of writing about me, and my life, and feelings.

SO

I'm off.

<3>

Even though I'm not going to sleep.

^^

Happy yes....

I post too many depressing things.

Shit my life must suck to you guys.

:/

Well it doesn't.

I rather love life, and a lot of the people in it.

Work isn't ALL that bad.

A customer left a voicemail thing and basically praised me as being A M A Z I N G.

Literally. I felt like a saint.

I got a pop card.

I love my friends, and I wish I got to see them more. They make me smile.

Oh and laugh too.

Right now I wish I could see.... David.

I'm gonna miss him a lot. A L O T.

Army. Psh. Who ever would have thought.

There still is no legit, real, boyfriend in my life.

I guess I'm not interested.

And the girl I would date is taken. :(

It makes me rather sad. She even said she would date me if she wasn't dating her BF.

Oye.

Stupid penis.

Currently listening to Shiny Toy Guns.

<3>

Fathers Day...

It didn't hurt around thanksgiving, or even your birthday.

It hurts when everywhere in the world I'm reminded of Fathers Day...

And your not here...

I can't even pretend.... Your just not here.

I hate myself every time I think about you.

Because its my fault.

All my fault.

I didn't get to say goodbye.

I couldn't get over my anger. I couldn't just be the daughter you wanted me to be.

I couldn't go to Mexico with you....

Would I now?

Yes yes and yes!

I miss you like no other.

And the only memories I have of you I won't look at, and I won't remember.

Because then I want to cry and cry and cry.

And then cry again.

Remember that time you came to visit.... the only time you came to visit?

And I cried and begged you to forgive me. That I was a bad daughter.

And that I was sorry I didn't call more....

Or how about the time I called just to make sure you were still alive because Jon died...

I feel like a horrible person.

Its been almost two years.

Two Fathers Day's.

If I think about it, it hurts like no other.

Which is why I pretend to forget.... Pretend its not real.

That I could still call Mexico and get a hold of you.

And then reality sets in and you won't be on the other line.

Which is why it never works.

I just want this weekend to go away.

I have no one to call dad, or even give a card to.

I have a mother, whos crazy.

Whos killing herself, and is constantly drunk, sick, or asleep.

What do you expect me to do?

I'm doing like you said, to help out when I can.

To give to my grandma whenever I can.

To help out my family and do what I can.

But its so hard. I feel like somedays, I'm the only one supporting myself.

And then I try and take care of my brother too.

And I'm the only support I have.

I wish you were here.

I want to be angry.

I want to curse you for dying and leaving me. But its not your fault....

Its mine.

Its those stupid doctors.

Its your family's for not taking better care of you.

Its your goats and dogs for running away.

But its not yours.

And I'll never get to tell you I love you again.

And I think that fact alone hurts more then anything else.

So...

I love you daddy. And I'll always be your princess. Your little pumpkin.

Always.

I love you.

Please come back.....

I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine

Ello.

And how are you doing today?

Thats good. Me you ask?

Well, its 3:19am.

I just finished watching Monsters Inc.

I'm starting to get horribly tired.

And I'm listening to Nickelback atm.

How am I feeling?

Well, I have a shit ton to do tomorrow.

Which includes: laundry, going to get a drug test, dropping and picking my brother up from football camp, going to Baker's Square, hanging out with Crystal & Kersten, cleaning my room, remembering my art stuff, not forgetting to email the lady back about the drug test thing.

OH.

And at work we are having a D.O.G. walk, which basically means that the distract manager is going to come and make sure everything is being done by the book, and if it isn't... WE FAIL.

And well, I'm really hoping we do good. Not amazing. Just good.

Other parts of my life you ask?

Well, I'm not as angry as I was a couple of days ago. Which is always good.

My heart aches to cling to someone and love them like no other.... But it hasn't yet.

I always hold back. Scared? Probably.

But honestly, a REAL relationship? Who am I fooling.

I can barely take care of myself. I'm mostly healthy. But....

Who am I fooling....

But I'd rather not think about that. If I don't think about it. Its not there. ^^

My logic is flawed. I know this.

Thats why its okay.

Family?

Well, like I have stated.

Brother is in football camp. I've been driving him. He seems to enjoy it a lot. ^^

Mother is well, mother. Stupid. Drunk. High. And RETARDED. Theres really no surprise there.

Grandma is doing well, frustrated with my mom, and trying to make it while making everyone happy.

I think everything is getting to everyone.

Probably one of the reasons why I haven't told them I'm taking the job....

Yep.

50-60 hour weeks. HERE I COME.

I'm determined to do it this time.

I have to. I need to. There is no I'll try. Its I will.

Even if I'm horribly unhappy.... That won't matter if everyone else is happy.

Other things....

I miss my best friends. Crystal/Sasha.

I want to hug this special boy, and never let go. :(

I'd love to sleep for 24 hours. I think it would just make everything better.

Its been humid like no other and I sort of want to shoot something.

I can deal with the heat/hotness. Humidity? I don't think so D:

Other then all that....

There is nothing. :]

Just smiles.

Lots of smiles.

^^

Also: this one of my new favorite colors. <3

Your a dumb fuck D:

I'm pretty much beyond pissed. Beyond most reason. Like, I asked him OH SO NICELY not to go back to her.

Not to do that to himself again.

And what does he do?

GO BACK TO HER.

All respect is gone.

All anything I had for him is gone.

He is beyond help and beyond my love.

He is honestly nothing.

He is stupid and ignorant, irrational and a dumb ass.

I just want, my god damn money.

Honestly. Thats all I want.

Once a month. Thats all I need/want.

But NO. I can't even seem to get that.

So, WTF?

And when I call/text him I can't even speak to him?!

SHE TEXTS ME?!

I am going to kick her in the ribs, gauge her eyes out and hope

I can stop myself before I kill her.

Like, I AM SO ANGRY. I'm violently angry.

And him, honestly the best thing for him would be nothing. NOTHING at all.

No contact, no smiles, no NOTHING.

D<

God, I HATE stupid people.

HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE

/Sigh.

tear her apart limb from limb.

Little by little.

D<>

And now before I actually start plotting. I am going to take a shower.

God I'm so angry.

D<

Mirror mirror on the wall...

So still a lot on my mind.

Its rather hard to type right now too. My middle finger has a cut in the cuticle that keeps tapping down on the letter.

And it hurts ><;;

Press lightly...

Anywho.

Work decisions still infront of me.

And I have NO idea what to do.

I got another call from them.

I'm hired for the one job, but I'm trying for team leader....

>> I could organize 30 people no problem. <<

I just need money. God damn.

I'm really scared though. What if I fail?

What if I fuck up? Like what would I do?

UGH MY LIFE!

So thats still the biggest stress in my life atm.

THEN on top of that I have my period... God I am SO moody.

Why can't I just have someone to cuddle with?

That would make things soo much easier. Cuz then, I could cuddle and think.

And stop stressing as much.

Oye.

I'm just going to sleep.

That seems easier. NOT to mention I have to get up at 5 am.

OYE shoot me.

V is for vanity....

Well currently the song I'm obsessed with is Vanity.

And I have a HUGE decision in front of me.

BUT i should mention that I still could not get the job.

Prizum (my third job) offered me a part time job thing.

Monday-Friday

5am-1pm

Two weeks on, one week off.

$10-12 dollars an hour.

Doing Jewel reset.

Like, thats a lot of money.

BUT, lets consider the following....

I'd still be working at Petsmart at nights, sooo after 2pm.

I love Petsmart more and enjoy it more.

Not to mention I'm up for a promotion and if I took this job, I wouldn't get it.

Id be working anywhere from 50-70 hour work weeks depending on Petsmart.

And I've done that before.

It DRAINS me, kills me, I get depressed because I see no one, and I'm exhausted. All the time.

Like, I HATE working that many hours.

I can do 40 even 50.

But 60? 70? 80? No. I can't do it. I just, maybe for a week I could. But two weeks? Three weeks?

Fuck me.

IDK what to do.

And mind you, money is REALLY tight.

Really tight.

I barely eat anymore, and most of my money does to gas, bills, some food and anywhere/how I can help my family.

Like. We are JUST JUST JUUUUST making it.

I want to help but can barely do it myself.

Like. I need the money.

But right now I'm generally happy... just stressed....

Like.

IDK.

I don't want to hear my brother say hes hungry or get into more fights about money.

Or wonder if I'll eat today or not.

Someone help? :(

Well....

Nothing really happened.

Nothing really at all...

I just feel like my heart got stabbed.

Just stabbed is all.

Because I don't have to balls to ask more.

But I'm scared.

I want to love.

Need to love, someone.... something....

Yet, why must it always hurt?

Maybe I should stop being so attached.

Then I could love, and not hurt.

I think it might work..... Maybe. If I can close my eyes.

I just want to be in the corner of your heart.

Be part of your life.

I just want you to think about me.

In other news.

Work is getting better and worse.

Jessica my coworker is still a bitch.

But otherwise things are going really good.

Money is still HORRIBLEY tight.

And I want to cry.

Not to mention I have my ticket thats due like, next month and I don't have the money.

Did I mention I want to cry?

Family is well, family.

Annoying. Irritating. Lame.

Same old.

Otherwise....

Well, otherwise nothing.

:(

Beardie :[

Today has been SUCH a horrible day.

UGH.

First off, I woke up late for work, 2 hours later then I wanted to wake up. I was an hour and a half late for work. FML. Then on top of that the fish order was a pain in my ass.

Maybe because I haven't done it in... Oh a year and a half probably? Like Fuck me.

And like I nearly started BALLING my eyes out in front of my manager (my old Petcare manager) when he asked why I was late, and tried to joke about changing around my schedule for next week. I just, I felt SO bad. I didn't wake up to ANY of my alarms, I set like 3!

Fuck me.

So I'm emotional today. Thats been established.

So I go about my day, feeling like everyone is mad at me until Kayte my manager comes and jokes and talks to me. Which made me feel ten thousand/billion times better.

And I ask to stay the hour and a half later because I was late, thats approved but then, I get caught up with these customers that wanted to know EVERYTHING about bearded dragons.

So I ended up staying an hour later then I was suppose to.

THEN I get a call, while off the clock, from my brother saying they found my bearded dragon on the floor. IN THE LIVING ROOM. With my cat circling it.

I nearly had a heart attack. I basically threw the store phone and RAN out the door. I think I broke at least, 5 laws.

Then I like, get in my house and I'm balling' my eyes out holding my bearded dragon because hes so weak and tired looking. It breaks my heart and I think he might have broken something, but I call my manager at Petsmart and he tells me what I gotta do. Which is basically leave him be unless I have you know, 400 dollars laying around to take him to the vet.

WHICH I don't.

So I sit with him for like, a hour at least, just putting good/healing energy into him.

Hoping and praying he'll be okay.

Making sure he knows I'm here and that I love him.

Like. :(

Today so far, SUCKS.

I really hope it gets better.

I'm at least going to pretend for Adrian's sake.

We're celebrating his birthday.

<3

Oh boy pray for Beardie.

There is glitter on the floor.

I'm actually feeling pretty amazing atm. Like,

In general I just feel good.

I took an extra long shower, have amazingly soft legs.

Slept for like, 12 hours.

And I just feel good.

I hope this mood keeps up with me for the weekend.

=]

Other things are just silent, but that doesn't mean they won't get bad and what not.

I hope things stay quiet for a long while.

That would make me happy.

Theres a boy that makes me smile. Hes cute.

But eh.

My little brother graduated 8th grade.

Hes now, officially a freshman in high school. LOL

Poor kid.

I'm hoping money is going to get better but thats such a testy game to play.

But all in all.

Life is good.

<3

Little brother

So... I'm about to kick some 14 year old ass.

How DARE they make fun of my brother like, how shallow do you have to be?

Because we're poor and he likes Nascar?

REALLY? Like, REALLY REALLY?!

You have no life, no future. And need your ass kicked until you cant walk, talk or see straight.

Like, FUCK I hate people so much.

Honestly, these last couple of days have just been shit.

This past WEEK has just been shit.

Complete and utter just horrible.

God damn I'm just so angry.

Like, I don't recall a time I've been this angry for this long. Like.

Whats wrong with me? I'm never like this.

But people are just pissing me off so much. Like at work, I swear its worse.

Ten times worse. Like Idk where all my patience went.

I think its because I'm so stressed and what not but still.

COME BACK TO ME I SORT OF NEED YOU!

Oye.

So anyone up to talk to some Jewish families and explain to them what a horrible son they have, and if they don't fix it, well go to the police and schools.

Even though we'll probably do that anyways.

D<

You don't mess with my little brother.

I loves him

<< >>;

Don't tell him.

=]

......

Did I mention I want to cry?

And I sort of feel like I'm having a mini angry breakdown....?

And I want to cry.

And I'm not exactly sure why I'm so upset.

But I am.

I guess I should have expected it.