AFNDSFNDKJSFNdslkmdsl!!!

UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FTW.

Am I not allowed to be uncomfortable with things? Not allowed to not like certain words.

Why does it gotta be a know it all?

I asked nicely, told him I just didn't like the word.

I've NEVER been comfortable with the N word, or the C word.

Just can't. I can't say them without feeling wrong.

I just can't.

IDC what they actually mean, or how this that or the other thing.

I'm just uncomfortable with the words themselves.

I was raised that way.

Doesn't that make scene to someone?

Fuck me.

Like. UGH people piss me off sometimes.

I don't understand why anyone has to call anyone such a mean word.

Like, yeah, I call people stupid, retarded and what not. But NEVER EVER do I mean it cruelly.

Hell, if I didn't need some sort of word to get out my emotions I probably wouldn't swear at all.

But we all get mad.

So god dammit mother fucker.

I guess I'm just stupid, illiterate, lack common scene and logic.

My bad guys.

I'll just go read the dictionary and lock myself up forever because I can't go out in public...

Like,

Wtf? I give up.

I'll just never open my mouth again. Keep it all to myself until I'm sure its not stupid, or lacking logic or common scene. Or whatever else.

Fuck me I want to cry.

Full Moon

I'm sad tonight...

Don't really have much to say at all.

Work was stressful and hard.

But I got to see the love of my life, we got food and she gave me

a little present that I loved. <3

Otherwise just stressed and upset in general.

I've been hoping the sun would help...

But as soon as it goes down and it starts to get dark.

I get all upset again.

Maybe I'm tired....?

I sure hope so.

Good night.

<3>

Sometimes, days like this.

I feel like the entire world is crushing down on me and I have no way to control it.

Its frustrating and confusing and makes me want to give in.

I know I'm making this all up in my head but I can't help the way it makes me feel.

Work is getting interesting and more intense.

Today it was such a long day, with talking and being as professional as humanly possible... for me.

I was training the new guy which was fun.

He seems like hes catching on easily.

But at the same time, now I can never let him down.

I can't just, let go I guess.

Because now I have such responsibility. My manager looked at me with such proud-ness I didn't know what to say.

Like this is something new to me. I'm not use to it.

I like it but its just so tiring.

So very tiring.

I'm left feeling weak, shaky, hungry, and tired. Then on top of that.

I come home to madness.

I try to escape, think about something read a random book. And I'm only pulled back into it.

My brother can be SO annoying. I tell him I'm tired and don't feel like driving and yet he still bugs me. Pushes me. And I don't understand why.

I literally had to tell him 3 times, and then my mother even stepped in.

Wtf? Does he understand nothing?

I guess suddenly. I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Or something.

Idk.

Time to go now.

<3

Oh how things move fast.

I feel like I haven't written in so long.

So much is going on, well sort of.

I've told Petsmart that I'd quit Ulta to work there full time/whenever they need me too.

My friend got an interview there.

My lead is now my manager and my old manager is now my ops manager.

I haven't been sleeping well.

Haven't really been feeling well but lets pretend I didn't say that.

Money has been SUPER tight and its driving me crazy, because I feel like it will never let up.

UGH money.

My new favorite artist is Ingrid Michaelson.

Thank you Crystal.

She's been helping so much with everything.

Especially my overload of emotions thats threatening to wash over me and never let me breath again.

Oye.

I just gotta keep trucking.

Work has been super stressful but I think I'm taking it rather well. Dealing with everything very well.

Its just been hard and its been a lot of hard work.

Lots of work work work.

Like today.

14 hour day.

Let me tell you, standing on your feet for 14 hours is just AWESOME.

:( I wanted to die.

And I pushed myself even though I was tired. Thank GOD I have tomorrow off.

Which it isn't much of a day off anyways....

Lots of stuff to do. Lots of people to see.

This is my life.

Fuck I hate this

Idk what to do. I'm completely and utterly stressed out.

I'm about ready to cry and I have a splitting headache.

My phone bill is higher then normal, like 150 higher then normal. And I have NO freaking idea why.

When I got my bill it only said 100.

Now its 250. I paid 100 of it. And now I have to pay 150 or they are gonna turn off my phone?

WTF.

I don't have that kinda money.

I barely have enough money as it is!

Wtf do they expect me to do?

Idk what to do, IDK who to ask.

I was about ready to have a panic attack but I think I've calmed down enough so I wont.

I just.... am so lost.

I've never lost track of things like this. Never.
And the worst part is I don't even understand why my phone bill is so high.

Maybe its a mistake? I wish I didn't have to work in the morning and I would go ask. But of course I have to open.

Since when do I open?!

God I'm sure its because I want to be lead and what not and thats fine.

But WTF I have to be at work in like, 4 hours.

And I can barely sit because I'm stressed out so much.

:(

Shoot me please.

Sidenote

Why does it seem that my computer works best when NO ONE is awake,
and hasn't been using the internet for a while.
@.@
Stupid laptop.

Your love is my drug.

NEW CURRENT LOVE.
Your love is my drug by Ke$ha.
Gotta love it.
Its pretty much MY song right dur...
Ok not ever doing that again ><;

But yes, I've been in a FANTASTIC mood almost all day.
I woke up feeling rested and ready. Had no nightmares or anything too!
And work was decent, slow but good. AND I finally got to talk to my store manager about being lead.
GO ME!
Other then that I went to IHOP with my Sugar Cube. <3
We talked and talked while I ate my salad and drank my coffee.
=] Shes so awesome.

I came home, scanned my computer for virus's while that was running I read my book.
evermore by alyson noel.
Pretty awesome book if I do say so myself.
I've been meaning to do more posts. Other then ones about my day to day life.
But I'm so lazy...... Hehehe
I'm sort of tried now but I'm more in a weeeird state.
"You had me at hello"

Anyways I'm still feeling great and sort of on cloud nine besides the fact that I'm BURNING up and I feel like its a 100 degress in my room.
UGH someone get me an icepack. <3

And with that final note.
I bid you all goodnight... or more like good morning.
=]

Madness

Today I feel like an outsider.
An outsider to my own life.
Today I worked but I didn't really feel that into it.
Today I wanted to curl up in the middle of petsmart and pretend my uterus wasn't trying to shove blood out of me.
Work was painfully slow, yet I felt like I was always busy.
Maybe I did a lot, maybe I didn't.
I notice I work a lot more with the animals then most.
I could have done more tanks but instead, I bonded with the new bird....
Is that bad?

Its raining and I feel like the rain brings something new to my life.
Except I don't know what it is.
I also think I'm quiet tired and refusing to sleep is making me delirious.
I feel like I'm not in control anymore and I'm spinning out of control.
Except that I haven't moved.
I've been getting more and more headaches and they are actually starting to piss me off.
I havn't gotten headaches in such a long time and I don't know why they are starting now.
I'm also starving so that might be a reason.
I want to call someone to get something to eat, but I know no one would go out with me.
Its raining and almost 2 in the morning.
Yep I guess I'll have to hunt for food here.
I don't start work till later in the afternoon tomorrow.
I'm most likely going to sleep because I honestly don't have much better to do then that.
I could go see one of my friends....
But sleeping just sounds so much more appealing.
I think I'm depressed too.
The sun doesn't even seem to make me feel better sometimes.
Its usually when I'm alone, when I sit and think but not really think.

I think I'm going crazy.
My head is still pounding. Its in the back and like radiates out around my head.
Like two giant hands smashing into my head.
Ow.

I also think I want to move, to get a change of pace. But I wouldn't do that.
Couldn't.
I wouldn't leave my job first off.
And second I have no where to go and no one to go with.
If only I was a better loner....

I'm listening to Yellow Card and its bringing back such fond memories.
Of laying in my bed listening to them....
><;
Never mind on that.
Did I mention my uterus really hurts?
Like, it comes in waves.
I honestly want to trade body parts with any guy willing.
Just, I'll take all your guy parts for a week.
And I'll give you all of my girl parts. Uterus, ovaries, vagina, and boobs included.
:D

And now I am going to go back to roaming the net and finding something to entertain myself.
Good Night and Good morning all.
May all your wishes come true.
<3

RAGE.

I am honestly about to throw my computer. OUT OF THE WINDOW.

I do not understand why it is being so god damn snail like slow!

Nothing is runing besides Aim.

NOTHING.

Wtf computer? Wtf?

Why are you being a retard.

You won't load youtube barely.

You Barely load facebook.

And anything else? FUCK that.

I'm not even gonna try.

I restarted you.

I shut you down all day.

WHY ARE YOU BEING A SNAIL?!

FUUUCK.

Now that I got that out of my system.

Will someone please fix my computer?

=]

Mr. Highways thinking about the end.

I should have learned from yesterday that I need to go to sleep.
Yet here I am, its nearly 3am and I'm still awake.
I'm starting to get tired and fall into that not really awake state.
I really need to get some sleep ><;
Lots on my mind but nothing that seem to be able to pull up to actually talk about.
Work was hell, literally. 5 hours of none stop moving, helping customers and running around like I was the only one in the store. Which I might as well have been. The cashier was useless honestly, i don't want to seem like a bitch but god damn is he slow. And my manager couldn't help me at all with customers because she knows nothing about fish or small animals, or reptiles. Nothing at all.
/SIGH.
Work can be so frustrating sometimes. But also very rewarding too.
My grandma had gone to P-mart earlier and talked to my lead. My lead told her that she would do everything she could do give me her job. (Because shes getting promoted) It honestly MADE MY FREAKING WEEK.
=]

But enough about work. I always talk about work.
I've been listening to a lot more A Day To Remember and it makes me happy.
<3 They make me happy.
I have plans with my wonderful friend Tim for Saturday. I think. I hope I get to see him.
Hes pretty much A W E S O M E.

ALSO: I got my monthly visitor today at work. I wanted to punch someone. Really could you have picked a better time? Oye. So annoying. Will someone take my girl parts for the next week please?
Thats all I have to report tonight.
Night all.
<3

Ugh.

So I feel sort of bad. I had all these plans of going to work and then sleeping in between. And then when it came down to it, I felt like shit and didn't go to work. My manager was pissed. I could only tell by the way she was like ok bye and hung up.... oops... I didn't meant to piss her off I just really didn't feel good. Its nearly 2 pm and I still have three hours before I have to go to work. Even though I'd much rather sleep I can't afford to upset them by calling off. That could mean the end of my job. Oh boy and can I not have that at all.

I stayed up pretty late and I know that but sometimes you just can't sleep and it gets the better hand. Which is deff. what happened last night. I just couldn't sleep so I stayed up. Not a good idea let me tell you.

Ive been feeling really out of it. As if I'm in my own little world and nothing seems to make sense anymore. I've been running impossible things through my head and I have no idea. I'm just stuck. Circling around in my head.

I think when I start working every day it'll get better. I miss work. It keeps me from going crazy.

And most of all I miss the people.

Money is tight again, but I feel like that its always tight... I never get a break.

I wish I had more money so that I could help the loveofmylife. She needs it and I can't help her. :(

I loves her. <3

I had a scare in thinking Mucho was going to die.

He just wasn't looking good and I got really scared and panicked and put him under a light thinking thats what he needed.

I'd cry my eyes out if Mucho died.

Otherwise not a lot on my plate. Maybe more will happen as the week progresses.

Until then.

Goodnight. <3

No one realizes...

What I'd do to excell. To have people proud of me and look at me like I'm that shining star in their life...

To have my grandma look at me with such proud eyes knowing that I'm doing good.

To be able to help her. To help everyone.

To do something I love and enjoy.

I love Petsmart.

Love it more then my social life, then my love life.

I love animals. Love the people I work with, customers and co-workers.

If I didn't, I wouldn't be so passionate.

I got a HUGE scare when I thought I was going to get fired.

When I thought they were going to take away the only thing I loved more then life....

And I cried, and told myself to dry my tears and work.

To prove to them.

Show them everything I can do. All my knowledge.

Because I was slacking I wasn't doing my best.

So thats what I did.

And every single person has said how much better I've done, and what they've seen in me is only good.

Now I just need to get even better.

I want to most of all do whats best for the animals and whats best for the customers.

I can do this.

And I will.

I want to be lead so much.

And I'm willing to do what it takes to become lead.

To be that person.

Quit Ulta? Yes.

Work even harder? Yes.

Give up on my social life and love life for a while? Yes.

Dedicate myself to work for as long as it takes? Yes.

Be amazing like I always am? Yes.

=]

Head is literally pounding

Today has been SUCH a freakin shitty ass day.

The only couple of good things... I got to eat pizza with the love of my life Crystal.

AND I got to get coffee with Freddy at like, 9.

Only really two good things today.

Otherwise I have been so out of it and depressed and upset.

Not to mention this headache is driving me CRAZY, its pounding inside my head and I sort of want to cry honestly. :(

Its killing me, I havn't taken anything yet... I sort of don't want to.

But at the same time.... Its killing me.

I even drank a BUNCH of water today too. :(

Life is lame as hell.

Another Oye.

ALSO:

I realized why I don't get obsessed with things.

Because I don't want to be one of THOSE girls.

You know who I'm talking about?

Nothing is THAT important in my life for me to obsess over it.

Just not.

Stupid little girls.

/sigh

mmm...

I like knowing.
That your reading this.
Because you want to know whats on my mind.
And whats happening to me.
Or that you love me.
Or are stalking me...
o.o;
Creep.
JK DON'T LEAVE I LOVE YOU
:]

ciba :heart:

You love me.

You love me LONG TIME.

=]

Good.

Now.... go get me FOOD!

I never thought I'd want food so badly in my life.

Fuck. The. What.

We have no food in my house.

And I don't want to spend money.

Damn you economy. I hate you atm.

GET STABLE BEFORE I CUNT PUNT YOU!

The end. =]

smiley face

This is by far.

The BEST PICTURE EVER.

=]

LOVE IT LIKE YOU LOVE ME

Dirty dirty little.... <3

THIS IS TYSON.

And I love him so much.

He is my neighbors dog... Who never takes him out.

but I love him.

Mostly I want you to notice the giant amount of hair all around him....

He sheds.

A lot. And I brushed him yesterday. :D :D :D

I love him....

Now keep reading.

Or I'll eat your soul through your computer.

"Shut up mom I'm on msn!"

BIRD!

So I've fallin head over heels in love with the bird at work.

WHICH IS A BAD IDEA. BAD BAD BAD... But I can't help the way I feel...

I loves him and he loves me. ITS MUTUAL!

Don't judge me.... <3

We are ment to be... sorta....

I need $500.00 dollars to get everything I want for him.... UGH

Someone wanna have a slave?

You buy me bird, I'll be slave? :D :D I like this plan

I get bird! Thats the only thing that matters.

HAIR! <3>

(The thing I really wanted you to read)

I personally am currently torn.

At first I loved it.

Now its just sooo weird I can't get over it... Tell me what you think?

Because honestly I just REALLY need some feed back.

Its considerably shorter....

Good idea? Bad idea?

RAWR

I havn't taken any pictures of Mucho Grande yet...

I will soon.

Probably by the end of the night.

:D

AND THEN YOU'LL GET TO SEE HIM!

Omgosh is he cute.

I always worry about him though.

Like when I get home I run to make sure he is okay.

Imma try to feed him blood worms soon...

Then he will love me more... Why you ask?

Because I feeds him!

:D

And then his belly is FULL.

RAWR!

The end.

<3

Grrr list

Fml I need to make a list

BEFORE I forget everything

I JUST deleted it the one I just made... AWESOME

-upload pictures from phone and camera

-blog about new stuffs

-find info on baby turtles

-email lead/manager

-download music

-get more people to follow blog

-laundry

-figure out money situation

-tweezers/clippers

-finish book

I think thats it... I feel like I'm forgetting something fml....

Oye

I sometimes feel like I'm falling. Falling and falling deeper and deeper

and nothing will ever catch me and hold. That all my nightmares and all my fears will come

and eat me up before anyone would even notice I'm gone.

There are MAJOR changes going on in my life right now.

Work especially, basically everything is changing around.

Eric, my manger is gonna be my ops manager which is even higher then he is.

My lead is going to be MY manager.

And her lead position is up for grabs. Which worries me to no end honestly.

Because Jessica can be suuch a bitch.

Oye.

Then other things in my life. Like, boyfriend/ex....? IDK what we even are.

I know I want him in my life and maybe he is right espeically with everything changing.

I just, don't have time on my hands. Do I want to lose him? No.

Am I moody and weird and can't do everything? Yes.

I hope he understands and can still be around. I don't want to hurt him or anything.

I just gotta look out for myself. You know? SIGH

I CUT MY HAIR.

Everyone is going to be mad at me. But I think it looks great.

AND it'll work so much better for the summer.

Its short but still touching my shoulders, it just has a lot of layers in it.

Pictures as soon as I can. <3

ALSO: I have a baby painted turtle now.

His name is Mucho Grande and I love him with all my heart. <3

He is so cute.

Even my mom likes him. She's always wanted a turtle she said.

Mothers day gift?

I THINK SO. =]

I brought my Beardie to work and he is for shore, legit. a boy.

But I think I want to rename him.

His name just isn't cool enough as my manager put it. :D

/Sigh time to think and do some soul searching I guess.

Maybe some good old comfort food too. Or a good book?

Clubbing anyone? lol

RAWR I AM BLEACH

Fml. I hate bleach with such a passion. I'm allergic to it and I break out in little dots idk what they are called. But OMG DO THEY ITCH! None the less, I'm dyeing my hair Deep Burgundy. <3>

Lots on my mind at the moment... Ugh.

IDk why does he have to be so difficult sometimes? Like, really? Just talk to me!

I'm easy to talk too and evvverything. Shit text me saying "Your face" And i'll find something

to talk about! I don't understand him at all and frankly I'm about ready to give up.

For him to say that this is an inconvenience to me?! Wtf is that suppose to mean? Really?

Your the one that doesn't seem to ever try and talk to me. I want to talk about more then

"I miss you" Like, I have a brain, and it works... wtf ever.

Like I have things that are about to be changing around me. And maybe your right,

I do have too many 'relationships' but I work hard to keep them because they want me in their life and they try too. Ugh I'm so not cut out for this.

Now that I got that out of my system. Lots of work this week. Lots of Crystal time too! =]

Maybe throw in a Darien and a Frank. AND some brother time. <3

He said the funniest thing.

"I'm the like best friend you can never get rid of"

<3>

Off to finish my hair. Love and peace.

Life...

Has been completely crazy and in all different directions.

Work has been even crazier. I finally got my review though.

<3>

Which is freakin FANTASTIC!

But its been a lot of hard work the past couple of days, actually this whole week.

And I know its not going to end which makes me happy. But also kinda tired. lol.

I need to sleep more I think.

I have 30 minutes before I have to leave for work.

Ugh.

Another WHOLE Saturday wasted at work.

I just fed my bearded dragon.

Ive decided to feed him outside of his cage now.

Mostly because I'm terrified they are going to hurt him when he's sleeping.

I loves him mucho. <3>

I've also come to realize I think I need reading glasses. Espeically when I'm reading. My eyes keep taking like a second or two to focus kinda like they are lagging. I asked my grandma and my boss and they said it couldn't hurt to invest in a pair of reading glasses. So.... WHEE... I guess.

I also think I might be hypoglycemic because especially at work I notice that if I don't have something with a lot of sugar in it I get very tired and slow and need to sit down and stuff.

Its really lame. :( Or idk I could just be weird. I don't have insurance so its not like I could go to the doctor and find out.

The big couple of highlights of the past couple of days....

-AVATAR

-Waffles/Pancakes

-Review

Now I'm off to go work for the MAN.

<3>

Random thoughts that have been circling my mind....

-Are your best friends sort of like relationships but without all the romance?

-When/How can I move out! Must get out!

-Ayla = Aywa.... <3