Anger = CRUSHED.... sorta

I really need to get my anger under control.

Its getting to the point that I can't handle it in public. Which is NOT a good thing.

Its just, I want to punch things.

And yes I do have a good reason today.

My phone was broken, I sent it in through Best Buy to get it fixed.

That was more then a month ago.

WTF. They told me it would take two weeks, mind you I expected it to take three.

But MORE THEN A MONTH?

Wtf.

And its not even like they were nice and helpful.

I always had to call or go in to find out what the hell was going on.

And they never had any answers.

Or seemed to want to figure this out for me.

Like, I WORK IN RETAIL BITCHES.

START DOING YOUR JOB!!

Ugh.

Stupid people.

And if its STILL not fixed.

I am going to a DIFFERENT best buy.

And getting a new phone.

D<

Stupid Best Buy.

Anyways. I'm currently, as I type this. Watching my geckos.

I just introduced the male into the female cage.

So far... nothing. He sort of spazed it seemed, but otherwise hasn't made any advances.

I'm scared that maybe she isn't ready. And he can smell that and wants nothing to do with her.

:(

My poor Venus might get rejected!!!

....

I'm putting way too many human emotions into this.

Lol. :D

Still nothing....

Lol I'm like worried.

What if something happens.

What if I don't see it.

I WANT TO SEE IT.

Lol, thats so gross.

Hehe.

None the less.

No moves have been made. We shall see what happens.

Later yall. <3

Grow a pair.

At this point in time. I could beat his face in without a blink of the eye.

Honestly, grow a pair. If your pissed at me, for doing something in my life.

That you don't control.

Tell me. Don't avoid me. Don't ignore me. Fucking tell me.

Like, this whole thing pisses me off to no end.

I get it. You don't like I'm dating him. Got it. But your just gonna stop being my friend?

I thought you were better then that. I thought we had more history to let something like this happen.

Like. I would expect you to give me endless amounts of shit for it. And to voice your dislike,

Loudly and Clearly.

This I expect.

However, what your doing. I do not.

Ugh whatever. Honestly, just whatever.

I'm happy. You should be too if you cared.

Hard week next week. A lot of early mornings. But, I CAN DO IT!

...

I hope.

Driving school too. ><;

Oh joy.

Other stuff that I don't feel like typing out and stuffs.

Ugh, going off to read before sleep.

Night

Full time

GOOD NEWS. FANTASTIC AMAZING NEWS!

Petsmart offered me Full Time.

WITH BENEFITS!

That means, I GET TO GO TO THE DOCTOR!

I am OVER COME with happiness.

I get steady income, and when I get sick.

I don't have to die.

AND, I get to even see the dentist.

I finally get to quit Ulta, and stop working two jobs.

Now, I just need a pay raise.

And then, MAYBE I'll be able to move out.

Because going over the math. I could maybe afford 200 a month.

So instead, I think I'll just save and stop stressing!

And, hopefully, crossing my fingers, I'll get to go to school soon too.

Like, for once, everything seems to be going my way.

And knock on wood, but I just feel like something is going to happen.

And everything that is good, isn't gonna seem so good anymore.

Thats what happens.... and I'm hoping to god it doesn't.

So I'm going to forget I said that. And THINK POSITIVE.

Only bad or negetive thing I have to say is I'm so tired.

Constantly tired. To the point, all I want to do is sleep. I'll nap during the day even if its only for an hour.

Every minute counts.

And its a sort of... deep sleep. Endless sleep that draws me in. And doesn't ever want to let me go.

AND, I've been getting a lot of migraines. Which I honestly think, is from too much caffeine. I need to stop honestly.

I just can't function.

UGH.

But yes. I am happy except for those couple of things and a couple more.

I need to sleep more.

MY CAT HAD KITTENS!

I forgot to mention.

I cat had kittens. 6 of them.

...

ANYONE WANT A KITTEN?!

Also, going to try breeding Venus.

She laid eggs and I talked to my manger Eric about it.

And we are trying it!

I hope everything goes well.

I love her a lot.

And I'm sure her babies will be BEAUTIFUL.

I just feel like a bad person because I keep forgetting her at work....

:/

Pretty tired, but I really want to go out.

I always go out Thursday night.

And I HAD plans, but.... well I was suppose to get a call an hour ago.

So I guess I gotta find new ones?

Oye... Maybe I should just go to sleep. :(

Anyways.

Going off to do... something.

<3

Migraine = Win

Anger.

That has become my new emotion of not choice.

Anger. Pure endless anger.

To the point I just want to beat someone.

Not shoot them.

BEAT them. I want to feel every swing I take as I beat their face in.

I guess I really shouldn't say that....

But would you rather I lied?

I want to cry.

Endless amounts of tears that leave me breathless.

To where I'd rather feel anything else then whats causing me to cry.

I feel, like I'm reaching a point where I'm going to snap.

I'm going to just loose it.

Maybe.

Or maybe I just need some sleep and for this earth slipping migraine to go away.

I wish I could read peoples minds.

And I wish he could read mine.

Then someone would understand. He would understand.

And I would understand everything. Every. Little. Thing.

No doubts, no worries.

I would just know.

But I don't live in a fairy tale as much as I try to hide myself in them.

I can't kill people.

I can't read peoples minds.

I can't really... do much of anything.

The only thing I can do I won't even dare try.

I just.... I wish I could explain.

To put all of your hatred, that energy you build when your angry and SHOVE it into someone else.

Make them feel everything.

....

Migraine is killing me.

I think its the the point where I can't see right. Can't think right....

Everything seems off.

Really really bad migraine.

And I'm really really hot...

Maybe I have a fever...

EH why don't I care?

I almost don't want to finish this post.

You'll going to think I'm crazy.

Or legitly losing it.

No.... I'm just tired. And saying exactly, almost exactly, what I feel.

Don't wanna be in my head now do you?

Because its feels pretty empty right now.

I HATE when that happens.

When I just feel empty. Like the lights are on.

But no one is home. No one at all.

I just.... am.

Like someone could just step on in and take control.

Bitch please. This is my head. D<

I hate that we fight.

I hate that I don't get to see him all the time.

I hate that he doesn't text me as much as I want him to.

I hate that I can't trust him.

I hate our work schedule's.

I hate that we feel the same way, but its still different. We still aren't on the same page.

I hate that I miss him so much.

I hate when we are away.

I hate that he drives me crazy.

Yet.

None of that matters when we aren't fighting.

When I get to see him all the time.

When he texts me seven times when I'm asleep.

When I do trust him.

When we actually have a day off together.

When we finally catch up to each other.

When I'm with him.

When he drives me crazy.

I wish he was here.

I'd make him hold me until this headache went away.

He'd melt my anger away.

Somehow, he would.

I wish, I could just show him how I felt.

Show him the extent.

How him how hard this is for me.

How much I'm preparing to get hurt....

I wish.... I just....

"I choose to live"

My priorities are in the wrong place again.

I need to concentrate on work.

And work alone. Honestly.

I need to be promoted.

I need this more then I needed a lot of things.

But I'm so scared. I feel stuck and I'm not sure if I can get out.

So beyond scared to grow. To move.

What if I fail. So scared to fail.

I think, above all, I still want to live in my bubble.

Or least, thats how I feel right now.

I don't want to leave my safety net.

But I keep clawing at it to get out.

UGH. MIGRAINE KEEPS ME FROM THINKING.

Goodnight.

Because I can't take this shit anymore.

I love you.

More then words will ever be able to explain.

Pokemon FTW

Taking Back Sunday has re-entered into my life.

And god do I welcome them with open arms.

They remind me of so many good times, and I know them. They are so comfortable.

Its weird to talk about music like that.

But its true.

They always say exactly what I want to hear. Even if it can be slightly depressing.

Thats OK with me.

I realize after much needed sleep. I have a lot to say, a lot I desperately want and need to say.

But can't.

Won't.

Maybe soon. Maybe not. I just don't have that strength in me.

Which is funny, because I can be so strong so many other places.

Except for saying exactly how I feel. Exactly what I'm feeling.

Exactly what I want.

I just don't want the world to know.

I don't need the world to know how I feel.

Just what I tell them.

"Is there a hole in your heart or am I mistaken?"

He means a lot to me.

Someone I don't think I ever want to be without.

Makes me want to be stronger.

Want to overcome anything.

Sometimes for him, sometimes for myself.

He makes me believe.

Maybe because I believe in him. Maybe because he believes in me.

I said once, we are perfect for each other.

I still, sorta stand by that. But its a mismatched perfect.

If that even makes sense.

Although I am hopeful, I am in general 'up'. Theres still an underlying feeling of sadness.

That I really wish wasn't there.

I hide it a lot. All the time.

But its there.

I want to explore the world with him.

I want to share everything with him.

I want to go on grand adventures.

Show and be shown.

I want to grow with him.

Pokemon has become yet again, my addiction.

I love Pokemon like a fat kid loves cake.

SERIOUSLY.

It just makes me happy. ^^

So does reading, but that draws me too far into my own thoughts. Makes me think. Builds too much energy. Makes me feel stronger. Is that weird? Is that even possible?

EH. Well it happens.

To me, its funny. How I try to hide behind false truths. That my motives are always hidden. That I can never actually tell anyone because then they would be that much closer to me.

And I don't want that. Because if they get close they break. They shatter me. And I'm not letting that happen. Everyone must stay at a distance. Or well, almost everyone. Maybe because I always pull back. I'm scared. HORRIBLY scared, so I hide. I do a lot of hiding. Seems to be the best course of action.

I'm happy, when I'm not freaking out. I'm amazingly happy. Thats all that matters.

Thats all that should ever matter.

Happiness.

And now I've lost interest in writing. Lol Figures right?

Good night.

I love you.

Ayla

Empty thoughts.

Its funny. I'll get all excited to write to have something to say. And when I finally get to it, my heads blank. There are no thoughts, words, nothing. Emptiness. As if someone wiped my head clean of everything there was.

I don't know what to say, I never know what to say. I loss my words completely.

Lost. Because they don't matter.

I watch other peoples emotions, watch them spike, watch them hold a conversation. And I sit here and watch. Listen. Lost within my own head. Lost watching the colors.

Everything hurts. A tight horrible pain in my chest. Where I want to puke, to get sick and can't.

My blood starts to rush through my veins and I shake. First lightly, and then violently.

As it takes hold of me.

My thoughts race, over emotions, running into each other and colliding.

I forget how to breath, forget how to function. Because I just have to know. Need to know.

After a while, my thoughts go black. Bleek with doubt. Worry. Concern.

I don't know. And thats exactly the problem.

I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know whats going on. Which kills more then anything.

Because then I'm stuck with my own thoughts.

And random emotions I feel.

Sadness. Anger. Depression. Rage. Concern. Worry. Doubt.

Too much for me to handle.

A roller coaster of emotions that I can't seem to control.

And only half are from me.

Need to learn to control.

Take control. What is control again?

Definitely depressed. Definitely hiding it. Ignoring it.

Definitely in need of the biggest cry of my life.

Yet it won't come.

So I'll give and I'll give until it does.

Until it comes and it all comes flying out. All at once. Because it needs to get out. Its ripping its way out. And all I want to do is let go.

Anger. And Stuff

I've never had someone put soo much anger into me before. No one has been able to honestly instill that much anger in me by me just seeing/hearing their name. No one.

EVER.

I just, every time I hear her name I just want to strange someone.

Especially her, I want to ring her neck and pin her to a wall. And let the birds pick at her.

MAYBE she still being partially alive... Thats not that bad...

Right? Right? I just, ugh.

I hope she forgets how to breath, trips down 20 flights of stairs, lands in a pile of ticks and gets stung by bees all before she passes out....

...

And now I'm going to stop talking about her before everyone thinks I need help and sends me off to the crazy peoples home.

:/

Other then my irrational anger and slight mood swings as of the past couple of days.

I've actually been pretty decent, pretty, happy.

For the most part give or take the time of day.

Work has been a stress, as always. But I'm finally just accepting all the changes.

Like I told my manger, I stopped fighting it and jumped on board.

Even if I hate change. I just gotta deal with it, because I can't exactly go up to Brian my DM and say NO, NO Brian NO. Lol

Although I would kill to see something like that happen.

It would just make my day.

So work has been still a stress but not so bad. I also redid my availability for them too,

Ulta now only gets two days instead of four to give me hours in.

YAY. Lol.... God I wish I had a full time job instead of two part time jobs.

I've been spending more and more time away from home. I just, I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of it.

I want to move out and move on with life.

And in this house I feel so stuck, I don't understand most of their logic.

I don't understand why they can't deal with their addictions and put them behind them.

I just, UGH.

I want my family to be functional. And they can't be.

Maybe it would help if I was around more.... But I just, I have better things I could be doing with my time...

Does that make me a bad person...? :(

I still love my grandma and brother and mom.

But....

Moving on.

I've been having a harder time with my Dad.

I miss him horribly.

And I still can't forgive myself.

I can't move on.... there has been no closure....

How can I?

I can't..... So until I can, I'll ignore it like I do everything that really bothers me and put it off for another day.

><; So unhealthy of me.

People have been mentioning that I've lost a lot of weight.

I sort of see it, but I really don't notice.

I guess I should eat more often.... Or just eat period.

But.... I don't always have money, food is expensive, and I forget.....

Not very good excuses, but there all I got.

:/

I'm horribly tired and not even really sure why I'm even up.

So I think I'm going to go to sleep now.

Sleep sounds wonderful.

I'm in my nice, comfy bed.

All is good in the world.

Sorta....

Good night.

Ayla

Sicker and sicker.

Sick Sick Sick SICK.

Thats what I've been for the past couple of weeks. Sick sick and SICKER.

It still hasn't gone away.

My fever random pops up.

And a fever for me is like, 99.

At 99 i start to get cold sweats, I'm not all there, I feel weak. Ect ect.

So this sort of sucks.

And today when I woke up my throat was killing me even more.

:(

Talk about a bummer.

AND my lovely friend Josh tells me yesterday,

Its only going to get worse.

AWESOME.

WORSE?

GREAAAT.

He says its from allergies.

ALLERGIES??

Really bad ones...

Well fuck me sideways.

But anyways,

as I cough to death as I'm typing...

I'm taking my Ball Python Disco to work today.

^_^

I asked permission and EVERYTHING. I figure.

We got a huge sale going on.

I like to take him on adventures.

Why not?

:D

Win/Win to me.

And so thinks my store manager.

So this is bueno!

Other then that,

I've been actually pretty happy.

CONFUSED AS FUCK.

But happy.

And thats all that should matter.

My happiness.

Right?

Well I have to run around and get ready for work now.

Later yall.

<3